Though I do have mania that occurs on its own it has always attacked me more like a lightning bolt. It hits rapidly and jolts me into some kind of dream world before disappearing as quick as it came on.
When I have manic symptoms for an extended period of time they are almost always mixed episodes where depression intermingles with the lightning long enough to keep it grounded. In those cases the result tends to be more like ongoing electrocution, quite unpleasant really.
Of course, that is only naturally occurring mania. For someone who has spent five years cycling through medications to try to find one that helps out with my treatment resistant bipolar disorder, you can be sure I am no stranger to medication induced mania too.
Generally speaking, pairing an antidepressant with a depressed person can send that depression packing… but when you give an antidepressant to me (and to many people with bipolar disorder) my depression suddenly busts through its shirt like the incredible hulk and screams, “I’m the King of the world!” before doing a keg stand.
For whatever reason my body takes this phenomenon one step further. I can have mania induced by many different kinds of medications, anything from nasal sprays to opiate painkillers to antipsychotics.
I was reminded of this fact in full force over the holiday weekend while I was trying my hand at taking Geodon again. I slipped into mania without even realizing it, being far too wrapped up in my new life plan to become a ventriloquist to sleep and then crawling around in the bike lane of Seattle streets collecting several dozen dead bees that had gotten too much sap on their wings to fly, dying along the streets and sidewalks.
The funny thing in these situations is when I can actively think about what I’m doing and how it must look to all of the people walking past me but feel powerless to stop it, and then I go on to notice that I am totally comfortable with that powerlessness so I might as well just enjoy the ride.
It wasn’t until I realized that I hadn’t paid any of our bills, our rent, and hadn’t renewed our lease on time that I began to think that I might need to stop taking Geodon. Even then, I didn’t feel completely sure… thank goodness it was also giving me periodic headaches and stomach cramping or I might have let it carry on a few more days.
As expected, within forty eight hours of discontinuing it I was rapidly sliding down into depression. I had strained one of my quads at some point -probably when I was picking up all those bees, I can’t typically feel pain during mania so it is hard to say- and had to spend two days resting because I couldn’t walk!
It’s funny to me how even with medication induced mania I feel some sense of shame after it’s over. Like maybe I could have done something to stop myself, or recognize it earlier, or whatever. Of course my doctors and therapist have all told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed because it wasn’t my fault… but there is something difficult for me about resigning to the fact that sometimes I really don’t have control over myself.
Needless to say, I haven’t been posting as regularly as I would like but now that I’ve experienced the worst mixed episode I’ve had in at least five years, the most intense period of mania I’ve had in five years, subsequent intense depression, and psychosis (a story for another day) in the span of about two months I’d say I’m doing pretty well, all things considered.