With the new year fast approaching I am excited to say that I will be starting 2016 with a new therapist and a new psychiatrist. I will also be continuing the DBT group I have been participating in for a couple months now which is great because so far I would say it has been helping me make a difference in my reactivity and emotional rumination.
Of course, it helps that Emotional Regulation was the first thing we covered because that is one of the more challenging things I have been facing. The funny thing is that now that I’ve got a few skills to help me see the big picture (instead of a pure emotional reaction) in situations it has been made clear that my other biggest challenge is communication and Interpersonal Relationships. That module of the group definitely can’t come soon enough!
That doesn’t mean I am miraculously cured, or that I am not continuing to lose my shit on a semi-regular basis. But… I may lose it for a shorter period of time, or only two or three times (instead of 12-16). Frankly I am willing to consider any and all progress progress.
Ultimately the way my perspective has been shifting around because of this class highlights an issue that I’ve known for a while but may not have given enough credit to. Stress makes a huge difference, in terms of the timing and magnitude of a lot of my emotional episodes. Stress is like… my death star. I might think it is a friendly moon at first but really it is a fully operational space station of mass destruction.
What does that mean, exactly? I am not sure, but I know I need to be addressing stress more aggressively (eh, not me being aggressive but more seriously) and not fail to recognize it or deal with it before all the firing sequences have been completed and it becomes a giant laser heading straight for me.
I can’t control the stress, but I am hoping that if I can recognize it early enough there will be time for me to react before the laser hits the fan.
Anyway, even with the intense illness and surgeries of 2015, spending summer in bed, and most of my plans being totally pulled out from under me this was somehow a better year than 2014. While 2014 was almost a year of being comical because of how many things could go wrong, 2015 was great because “at least it isn’t 2014.”
I don’t know if it was because I spent 2014 operating on a totally empty tank but this year it was like I could feel parts of my brain beginning to operate that hadn’t been used in ages. I can’t make a final word as to if I should be chalking that up to hypomania or simply 2014 acting as a hard-reset of my brain but it leaves me hopeful that in 2016 I might be able to dust off a few more parts and put them to good use again. We’ll see.
Ultimately, this year I learned that there is still a lot of improvement to be had in terms of the treatment of people with mental illness and mental health crisis. It bewildered me that so many people were willing to reach out and to respect my space when I was having surgery (for a physical problem), but the treatment I have received both just having a mental health problem or during a mental health crisis is wildly different. I am hoping that going forward I can learn and discern new or better ways to communicate this problem and what we can all do to help solve it.
In the mean time, however, I will wish you all a happy new year! Thanks for reading!