My bipolar symptoms the last week or so have largely been mixed. Mixed episodes have often been the ones landing critical blows on my relationship, and having one over the first weekend in three that I’ve been able to spend with my boyfriend was… well, I think the word frustrating works on both ends.
While I’ve had mixed episodes that blended pieces of mania and depression into a clear goal (annihilation of myself and everyone around me), more often my mixed episodes are an odd, muddled mixture of many distinct (and sometimes opposite) feelings occurring at the same time. As it was over the weekend, I was able to feel excitement, anger, profound sadness, desire, disappointment, and completely calm (as a very rough example) all at once.
Internally it feels like walking into a party and having a conversation with several guests at once, I am reacting to each simultaneously.
You can imagine how much of a problem this poses when trying to have a conversation with someone externally on top of that. Even just having a conversations about sandwiches, this touches the “completely calm” internal feeling I am having (so I feel like I am calm whilst having the conversation) but all of my other reactions (excitement, anger, profound sadness, desire, and disappointment) are showing through randomly through my facial expressions, my body language, and the inflection of my voice.
All of the intense emotions I am feeling in a mixed episode are spinning on a roulette wheel, presenting themselves continuously without any rhyme or reason. Naturally, this confuses the crap out of people.
Imagine I told you, “oh yes, a sandwich for lunch sounds great,” and even though that is what I meant verbatim, I am crossing my arms, stomping on the floor, or throwing my hands in the air when I said it. Or maybe I am crying uncontrollably but singing and dancing.
Or maybe I can’t decide, because I both love and hate sandwiches at that very moment?
Corey (my boyfriend) has known for a long time that I have a really hard time with making decisions when I am having episodes, but it wasn’t until I explained this scenario of mixed messages to him this weekend that he began to realize that my indecision doesn’t come from disinterest (at least not during a mixed episode) but from way too many interests vying for the decision to be made on their behalf.
Sometimes making a decision while being bombarded by all of these emotions simultaneously is like trying to catch a firefly while being stung by a swarm of bees. It is even more perilous knowing that reaching out and grabbing the wrong insect might mean exposing a volatile emotion or putting myself or others in a situation where conflict arises, damaging myself or my relationships.
“That must be really confusing,” Corey replied. “Especially not being able to always distinguish what you want.”
Sometimes “what I want” is the option that is the least harmful to myself and those around me, but honestly it can be hard to tell which insect buzzing around me is going to be friendly or harmful. Other times I try to draw from cues from people around me. Being able to ask someone else what to have for lunch helps me forgo getting stung by that swarm of bees as all of them are vying for my attention.
Ultimately, in a mixed episode it isn’t uncommon for me to want everything and nothing. To love everyone and despise them. To want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. It feels like being pulled in every direction at once, but also like implosion is desperately imminent. Sometimes it takes all of my effort just to hold it in, and other times… I can’t.
It has been very confusing trying to understand all of this (and I have experienced it firsthand for many years now), but tying to convey it to someone who doesn’t experience it can be even more confusing. I do think, though, that taking the time to try to explain my motivations to Corey regarding my mixed episodes helped both of us understand better… and in the long run I am hoping better understanding will set us both toward better coping.