While I’m not in a position to either calmly nor collectively express myself right now, I thought it important to pop in and let everyone know that at the very least, I survived surgery last month.
Healing from the surgery itself seemed to bring me no more pain than I was experiencing prior to the surgery, however I hit a number of speed bumps that have made it exceptionally difficult to write.
The first was a nerve in my abnormal cavity being pinched by my diaphragm post-surgery, and while this was very painful it was the fact that the doctors couldn’t rule it out as a blood clot that made things very intense for a short period right after surgery.
After that I had a really bad reaction to some of the medication I was given (not a new experience for me, given the reactions I’ve had to most psych drugs… I have the same problem with drugs in all categories). After being unable to consume anything but water for three days (including my normal medications) I slipped into a very interesting delirious state that quickly escalated into mania.
So the third hurdle was a bipolar one and frankly one I was rather expecting -though I can’t say I was expecting mania, more of an expectation for depression (given the pain). Things started out energetic and euphoric and after a couple of days without sleeping my boyfriend confronted me about his concern that I wasn’t resting properly. This was enough of a red flag for me to prepare myself for taking my as-needed I’m-kicking-mania-to-the-curb antipsychotic that evening, but even if it hadn’t been the paranoia and conversations I began having with people who were not present later that day were enough to get the job done.
After taking the emergency rispiridone I spent 48 hours in a zombified, half unconscious state. It wasn’t until the emotional void wore off that I found myself plummeting down the depressive rabbit hole.
I’ve gone back up and back down a couple times since, had probably twice as many panic attacks as usual, and I am honestly really struggling to find a balance between taking care of myself and resting. I expect that this is difficult in a normal situation, but resting when I can’t sit still and going to my follow up appointments when I am feeling exhausted has been doubly difficult. The emotional roller coaster isn’t fun, but not being able to rely on my body for information on how it is feeling at any given time (since my energy level fluctuates with my mood, not my level of health) is confusing, at best.
It is important to me to try and take a positive spin on this, and even though this has been difficult I am generally managing to claw my way through (with a LOT of outside help). Despite how overwhelmed I feel, finding out this week that I will need a second larger surgery in a month or two to address the issues found during the first surgery has left me with a loss for words. When it is hard for me to identify how I feel about something, it is even more difficult for me to write about it.
I have many thoughts and experiences I want to write about, and while they are things I plan to share I have no foreseeable timeline. In the meantime just know that I will be posting whenever I find myself in a place somewhat less tumultuous.
Thanks for reading!