The effect bipolar disorder has on my life is never quite as apparent as it is when I see two distinct periods book-ended together.
The way things have been for the last four years I generally have found myself in a “stable” headspace for a week (maybe two if I’ve been really good) each year. During these periods it feels like slipping back through time, and the sounds of birds and expansive sky are not blacked out by a wall of noise and fear in my head.
I admit (though somewhat embarrassingly) that it is has been pretty common for me to begin to believe I am free of it. That life will go on with birds chirping and the sun shining and everything I have experienced will fade like a bad dream.
The truth is that in my life, those stable moments have been both the bearer of exceptional hope and the product of immeasurable fear. Hope that I could once again live my life feeling relaxed and calm… but fear that the rug will be swept out from under me at any moment.
So this is what I mean by two distinct periods book-ended together. Sometimes the clarity I find comes from experiencing mania and depression back to back, but overall the moments I am able to truly see the difference between a stable, rational me and what I experience the other 95% of the time are when the chirping birds and blue sky are suddenly drowned out by the inescapable noise and dampening via my brain.
This has been my situation the last two weeks. Though I have done my best to “avoid stress” it isn’t possible for me to avoid my health problems and the surgery I need to help correct them. With this news came the curtain, and with the curtain has come a very interesting view of how dramatically different my brain works when cycling vs. not.
At any rate, I just wanted to mention that I may be absent from this blog for a few weeks while I get surgery and heal up. I need to focus on coaxing my brain through this emotional maze with as much cheese as I can get my hands on.