Normally when I think of being overwhelmed by emotion, I think about my day to day life and the fear, anxiety, and depression that I experience. These emotions often make me feel overwhelmed by the world and everything it entails, from social gatherings to daily living. One thing I had forgotten however (up until recently) was the feeling of being overwhelmed by positive emotions.
Looking back on my life up to this point, I can remember small snippets in time where a joyful sort of emotional floodgate opened and I found myself, almost drowning, in whirlpools of joy or appreciation or beauty. When I was younger, most of these moments took place where something as simple as hearing a song (that I had only heard on a recording) played live for the first time swept over me; when something powerful that I already had an emotional connection to came close enough to me that we came as close to becoming one as possible.
In these moments I found myself so overwhelmed by beauty and joy I could not speak, and my heart often felt like it was trying eagerly to escape my body. I would cry uncontrollably, but not out of fear or sadness or desperation; simply tears of love and appreciation and joy.
I can recognize well enough that this sort of reaction to something beautiful or profound can be just as jarring to the innocent bystander as my typical negative emotional reaction. In fact, many people can’t tell the difference from the outside when they see me overwhelmed in either a positive or negative light; they see simply someone who is overwhelmed.
Becoming emotionally overwhelmed in a positive way is something I don’t hear many people talk about, and for me it has been one of the most profound experiences I have associated with bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, for every thousand days I experience being overwhelmed in a negative way, I only seem to get that positive overwhelmed feeling once or twice. For me it is exceptionally rare, and as I’ve gotten older the moments have become few and far between. I also can’t orchestrate them anymore, many years ago live music stopped producing this tidal wave of emotion for me… so I slumped into a dark depression for several years without that punch in the face of joy or beauty.
The moment this concept and these memories came flooding back to me was last week. Through an odd turn of events I witnessed one of my childhood heroes give a talk and sign autographs for charity. I know people say you should never meet your childhood heroes (because they will be sure to disappoint), but all I saw was an aging man who was genuinely interested in doing something kind for others.
I spoke to him for a couple minutes (as best I could with my throat closing up anxiously) and he was very sweet. When I walked away it hit me like a ton of bricks; the joy, the appreciation, the beauty, the hope and compassion I don’t normally feel toward others. Within moments I was running for the bathroom because tears were spewing out of my face and I had no way to control them.
For the next two days, every time that memory came up I would start crying and grinning like an idiot. On the bus, down the street, at home, talking to my sister, it didn’t matter. I normally spend so much time trapped in a place where I can only ever seem to see the negative things in the world, being afforded a moment, even a split second, where I could see something wonderful felt extraordinary.
Happiness and I have not been the best of friends this year, but I am very appreciative that it is something I’ve been afforded (even briefly) this holiday season, even if it came at me like a tidal wave. Here’s my wish for each of you; if you’ve got to be subject to feeling completely overwhelmed over the holidays, I hope the tidal wave approaching carries joy and love and hope.
And maybe a personalized surfboard.