Things seem to have reverted back into a state of normalcy for me. Of course, when I say normalcy, I mean my normalcy. This change definitely has it’s plusses and minuses (less physical pain and vision problems, a return to a flip-flopping of psychotic mixed and depressive states, and the typical health care team issues I tend to run into every six months or so) but I wanted to address this return “back to the basics” that has occurred over the last two weeks before writing about anything else that has been on my mind.
My current psychiatric medications have returned to a regimen of lithium only.
I’m sure it was pretty clear that the seroquel I tried the last few months brought on some serious health problems, but it wasn’t until the issues with blurred vision, dizziness, nausea, and light and motion sensitivity that I began to suspect the wellbutrin I’d began in the last two months might be contributing to the problem. After having my eyes, ears, and stomach checked out I began a systematic stop and start of the medications I was taking at the time to see if any changed occurred. I pulled the plug on the 150 mg of wellbutrin I was still taking (after decreasing a week earlier and seeing some improvement and speaking with my psychiatrist) and about ten days later (Saturday) I was able to sit through watching a movie for the first time in five weeks without thinking I was going to vomit.
Not having been able to watch tv or movies for that long was pretty agonizing, movies are one of the few things I generally still feel passionately about and being without that sense of comfort was very jarring.
I was a little surprised (but glad I didn’t have to go see a neurologist about this) because the warnings for wellbutrin list “eye pain and vision problems” but that isn’t very specific. What really tipped me off was that I found out that wellbutrin can trigger problems with vertigo, and though I have experienced plenty of vertigo in the past and what I was dealing with this time was different, there were aspects of my symptoms that felt similar. At any rate, this issue is improving… and I wont be taking anymore wellbutrin in the foreseeable future.
The swings are back in action.
While the seroquel seemed to keep me from swinging around the mood spectrum, it also kept me in the depressive end where I was sinking very quickly into a dangerous place. Now that I’ve stopped it, I’m back to my typical, sporadic swings lasting anywhere from thirty minutes to days or weeks at at time.
“From your perspective, which is worse?” I asked my boyfriend. “When I am depressed all day every day, or when I seem ok one second and then fly off the handle the next?”
He paused for a moment before replying, “I can’t really call one ‘worse’. They’re both equally devastating.”
I feel like I ask myself the same question a lot, because remaining in a single state (like depression) can sometimes feel better, more stable to me than rapid cycling because I can often do a better job of predicting my future mood; depressed. At the same time, everything shuts down and my mood rarely stays “somewhat depressed”, usually moving toward “earth-shatteringly depressed”.
If I’m rapid cycling, I can usually experience one or two hours a day where I feel relatively ok, and if I’m really lucky, maybe one day in a week where I feel relatively stable. Sometimes, just the fact that these moments are possible makes rapid cycling feel somewhat better to me.
I find the negatives of rapid cycling to be much worse though. It grinds on my relationships, I have no way to make any kind of predictions about how I will be feeling from one moment to the next, and switching into mixed episodes (which has become more and more common for me) becomes extremely dangerous.
Annnd health care team problems… as per usual.
I feel confident today in saying my concerns about my healthcare team the last week have had nothing to do with delusions.
Usually when I have problems with healthcare, it has been because of insurance coverage, or co-pays, or my old doctors not taking new insurance, or whatever element of the system seems broken at the time. This time, my concerns are a little different.
October has always been a fishy month to me, and I don’t consider myself superstitious but usually when something weird goes down or people are acting very strange, it is in October.
Anyway, first my general doctor started acting very strange and making me incredibly uncomfortable. He’s began giving me these long “pep talks” about how I need to look inside myself and find happiness, naturally this is one of the biggest turn-offs you can come across when you have a mood disorder. This has happened twice now, and though I understood when it happened the first time (I had a breakdown in his office) the second time it was completely unwarranted and generally had nothing to do with anything we spoke about in my appointment (regarding stomach pain). This man has always been a good doctor to me, very smart and professional for several years, and I know he is coming from a place where he is intending to help me, but for the most part while I was stuck in that little cold room with him trying to make extended eye contact it felt like if either of us is insane, it is definitely him.
Next it was my GI specialist. I needed a prescription refill order and she failed to return any of my calls, messages, or emails for three days. When she finally did send the order, she sent the wrong order to the pharmacy and never called me back. After calling the office again (to make another appointment) all of the notes from our last appointment have mysteriously vanished and there is no record of it. Needless to say, this (even more than the above problem) makes me extremely nervous. I realize she is a busy woman, but I feel like my experiences last week are definitely bordering on (if not already) unprofessionalism. I ran out of medication saturday, I still haven’t heard from her or her office.
Finally, my therapist quit unexpectedly two weeks ago. He had scheduled a follow up appointment with me last week, but the receptionist called me that day and said he never showed up. By the time this happened I couldn’t help but laugh.
I don’t have much of a plan of action for the first two doctors (maybe they’ll get their sheezy together?) but as far as therapy is concerned, I’m ready to switch clinics. The one I have been going to the last three years I’ve had a lot of problems with, and the people who work there are very inexperienced. Instead I’ve began pursuing a community clinic specializing in patients on medicaid with more significant mental health problems (me!), at this point I’m just hoping to get in before next month when things become extremely (more) stressful.
Tonight I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and I am keeping my fingers crossed he hasn’t completely fallen off the deep end too.