There are times when my rapid cycling gives way to a long, drawn out affair. Though I sometimes experience other moods “popping in” during these episodes I can usually distinguish an episode up for the long-game because my symptoms begin like a snowball rolling down a hill. By the time it reaches the bottom it can easily knock me off my skis.
While I have experienced four solid weeks of depression now I wasn’t ready to call the “big episode” until I felt certain the depression wasn’t going anywhere.
This week it became clear the depression is here to stay for a while. That is, unless the dosage of bupropion (Wellbutrin) I doubled on monday begins to work some magic.
The signpost I passed during my current descent was clear enough, and I felt pretty proud of myself for noticing. My thought process seems to have become overwhelmed by depression now, and I found myself wondering why my boyfriend cared about me so much when I really didn’t deserve it.
There is this realm of guilt and self-loathing that I only really experience during depression (though sometimes it can occur during my mixed episodes), and it is something that tends to take a firm hold on me when the depression lingers long enough to convince me these thoughts and feelings must be true.
At this point, I think I’ve played this game long enough to be able to see where this is going. When I have episodes like this they often last for months at a time and in the past have been known to result in hospitalization… that is, unless something can pop me out of it.
Right now it seems clear that my next course of action is to batten down the hatches, and frankly since I am already in the process of pursuing ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) there is a chance I could get lucky and I can line it up by the time (or even before) I truly hit rock bottom.
For me it feels like the real bummer is that pretty much everything I own is still in boxes after moving, I’ve been extremely unmotivated (thanks depression!) and given this current situation, I’m not really sure when that might change.
Really, let’s be honest though. I have access to a tea kettle, some dvd’s, and a barrage of pillows, and I consider those all to be highly prized items when experiencing a depressive descent. I want to be prepared but, fingers crossed… maybe I wont reach that point.