Last night was the first night in three weeks where I slept for an entire chunk of six hours straight. I’m taking this a s a sign that I am finally moving out of the danger zone (hooray!).
The mixed episode I initially experienced (something I plan to talk a little more in-depth about later this week if I can get things going) gave way to serious depression… at which point my boyfriend and I had to move everything we own to a new apartment. The move was the reason I was trying so hard to stay out of the hospital in the first place, so I generally opted to confine myself to the apartment instead. Thanks to some exceptionally wonderful people in my life we had a lot of help with the move which was a definite plus since I had become little more than a mindless walking husk at that point; beyond exhausted but unable to get any rest.
If anything, the lack of sleep has been a big indicator of how bad things had really gotten because not only am I a big time sleep fiend (I can typically sleep 12-14 hours easy not depressed), but also because my psychiatrist has been ramping up my quetiapine dose (a move notorious for groggy oversleeping) and I somehow began sleeping less and less.
I am still a little out of sorts (I just ate some eggs out of a pie pan for lack of being able to find a plate in any of the boxes in the new place) but after getting a taste of sleep (and a peek at the big blue sky out my window) I felt decidedly less wretched upon waking this morning than any of the last 20+ recent days. Though I expect things to fluctuate throughout the day (it generally does for me) having even one moment of relief is enough of a kick in the pants to keep me going.
Thanks for all the kind comments and messages I received while out of commission! Though I haven’t been able to reply to any of them individually I just want you to know that your words have meant a lot to me during a very distressing time. Receiving supportive words from people while experiencing paranoia and delusions was one of the things that really helped me discredit a lot of the negative things my mind seemed to be generating, so thank you, thank you, thank you again!