Still Waiting for an SSDI Decision

After the SSDI hearing in February (but pre post-hearing mental breakdown) my attorney told me to expect a letter in the mail with a decision in 3-5 weeks.

In the midst of the intensely depressed meltdown that followed, I checked the mail each day (some days twice) in hopes of hearing something. Every day since February 13th I have put my mail key in the mailbox and experienced a panic attack being triggered. The faster I put the key in and open it before closing it again, the more quickly the panic attack ends.

This has been the routine every day (except Sundays, and as I mentioned, some days twice because the mail didn’t come on time) for nine weeks now.

The intense depression dissipated. The notion that my life would end if I wasn’t awarded SSDI has passed. I’ve formulated a new future in my mind, a future where I don’t have the things that I wanted… and that is ok with me now. I know that leaving my home and having to find a new one farther away from the city is part of that future, but in the last couple weeks (without the depression) it doesn’t feel like the burden it felt like before.

I am no stranger to a sense of paranoia, of distrust, and I admit I was beginning to become suspicious of my mailman. After all, he works so inconsistently… what if he lost my decision letter? What if he was sitting in his little white hatch-back eating fried chicken reading it? I know. But that is where my mind goes!

Two weeks ago someone (Corey? A friend? My sister? I don’t recall) suggested I call my attorney’s office to see if they had any news. I agreed this was a great idea, but was so hypomanic all this time the days kept slipping past, faster and faster, and I forgot (several times).

When I made up my mind to call the office, I couldn’t remember the name of my case worker. Once I remembered it, I couldn’t remember if I was remembering it correctly, and my fear of phone calls was compounded by the thought that I would call the office and ask for someone that didn’t exist.

I finally made the call on Wednesday. The name I remembered was the right name, but the case worker said it isn’t uncommon for the decision to take this long, if not longer. 

The words she said rung in my ears:

“They haven’t made a decision yet.”

As much as I want to know the conclusion of all this fun I can’t help but feel pleased with the fact that there is still some element of mystery. Mystery in the sense that if they want to approve my claim, take your time! On the other hand, if you want to deny it, do it as soon as humanly possible.

At any rate, I’ve been waiting to go into more detail about the hearing until I received my decision letter… which of course I thought would be sooner rather than later. At this point, if the deep contemplation going on over there has things leaning in any way in my favor, take nine more weeks. I really don’t mind.

8 responses to “Still Waiting for an SSDI Decision

  1. While waiting my decision, I was having panic attacks. It was miserable, I can only image what you are going through. I was one of the lucky ones, I was approved right off the bat 4 months after submitting an application.

    Good luck, realizing things will be ok no matter what happens is great and I hope it makes you feel more free:)

  2. Waiting to be approved for SSDI is excruciating. I was lucky enough to get approved the first time I applied. Now I panic and get horribly anxious whenever I get mail sent by SSDI, because they periodically review my case and that about kills me to wait for that decision. I’ve never been denied and probably won’t, but it’s such a crucial decision for me. I can’t work full-time to support myself, so I depend on that income. Good luck with your application!

  3. I was denied for SS Disability because I am too young and haven’t paid enough in. I was told the decision for SSI could take ten MONTHS.

  4. Waiting is excruciating. Good luck!

  5. good luck! i hope you get it. i was approved instantly after being on state disability for a year following my fourth hospitalization and an overnight stay at the county ER. lol. good times.

  6. I’ve just gone through that process myself. I had my hearing on January 10th. I was in the middle of a near catatonic depression and I was so nervous.

    I had to do something to decrease my anxiety about the decision and when I would be notified. Like you I checked the mail daily. I had small anxiety attacks when I saw the mailman make her deliveries. But I did a lot of prayer thought to calm it down, and like you, I finally had to let it go to get some peace.

    Well, I found out two weeks ago I won my case. I just got my check in the mail 2 days ago. When I was looking for a lawyer, many of them said that my judge was pretty tough. I also had the best vocational expert witness in the Dallas metroplex. So I thought the odds were pretty much stacked against me. So I let it go like you and mentally planned on what I would do if I didn’t get it. But like you I wanted to get a decision already!

    But once I got the award letter from my lawyer, a peculiar thing happened. I felt a deep sense of guilt. I felt horrible that I am going to be receiving this. I did some research online and found that this was normal. So if you get it don’t be alarmed if you feel that way too.

    Good luck and try not to think about it. Just go one, like you said, as if you are not getting it. For me it made it easier.

  7. That’s the government for ya. Glad that you’re not allowing it to sink you though. Hoping that you get some great news soon.

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