After the SSDI hearing in February (but pre post-hearing mental breakdown) my attorney told me to expect a letter in the mail with a decision in 3-5 weeks.
In the midst of the intensely depressed meltdown that followed, I checked the mail each day (some days twice) in hopes of hearing something. Every day since February 13th I have put my mail key in the mailbox and experienced a panic attack being triggered. The faster I put the key in and open it before closing it again, the more quickly the panic attack ends.
This has been the routine every day (except Sundays, and as I mentioned, some days twice because the mail didn’t come on time) for nine weeks now.
The intense depression dissipated. The notion that my life would end if I wasn’t awarded SSDI has passed. I’ve formulated a new future in my mind, a future where I don’t have the things that I wanted… and that is ok with me now. I know that leaving my home and having to find a new one farther away from the city is part of that future, but in the last couple weeks (without the depression) it doesn’t feel like the burden it felt like before.
I am no stranger to a sense of paranoia, of distrust, and I admit I was beginning to become suspicious of my mailman. After all, he works so inconsistently… what if he lost my decision letter? What if he was sitting in his little white hatch-back eating fried chicken reading it? I know. But that is where my mind goes!
Two weeks ago someone (Corey? A friend? My sister? I don’t recall) suggested I call my attorney’s office to see if they had any news. I agreed this was a great idea, but was so hypomanic all this time the days kept slipping past, faster and faster, and I forgot (several times).
When I made up my mind to call the office, I couldn’t remember the name of my case worker. Once I remembered it, I couldn’t remember if I was remembering it correctly, and my fear of phone calls was compounded by the thought that I would call the office and ask for someone that didn’t exist.
I finally made the call on Wednesday. The name I remembered was the right name, but the case worker said it isn’t uncommon for the decision to take this long, if not longer.
The words she said rung in my ears:
“They haven’t made a decision yet.”
As much as I want to know the conclusion of all this fun I can’t help but feel pleased with the fact that there is still some element of mystery. Mystery in the sense that if they want to approve my claim, take your time! On the other hand, if you want to deny it, do it as soon as humanly possible.
At any rate, I’ve been waiting to go into more detail about the hearing until I received my decision letter… which of course I thought would be sooner rather than later. At this point, if the deep contemplation going on over there has things leaning in any way in my favor, take nine more weeks. I really don’t mind.