Cosmic Weight

My anxiety has been through the roof the last few days, to the point where it feels like giant fingers are wrapped around me in a constant, slow squeeze. I keep breathing in as deeply as I can to fight the feeling of constriction, but I am left still, minutes later, out of breath.

Last week there was a death in my family. Not a fun prospect, considering my family is quite small to begin with. The shock I felt was compounded by the fact that my grandpa was someone who I remember always smiling and laughing, always a welcome sight in a rather emotionally tumultuous family.

I can’t help but wonder if the last two days of depression and intense anxiety I’ve had are a slow response to losing someone. Sometimes it can be so hard to tell what feelings go with what situation (or if they are correlated with any at all) but it seems to be pretty common for me to have delayed reactions, emotionally.

All I know is that the realm of bad news has been pretty intense for me this year and (as I stated the last two months) really cosmos, you can stop any time now.

At any rate, I am hoping spending some time outside in the sunshine today will help lift the spirits a bit and will give me a little relief from otherwise crushing anxiety!

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4 responses to “Cosmic Weight

  1. Sad to hear of your loss. Not sure what to suggest for your anxiety, except hugs.
    For dealing with your Grandpa’s estate, I just posted a free resource for executors here: http://ktchange.com/executorsurvival.html

    Maybe someone in your family might find something useful.

  2. Sometimes the Universe is just one big jerk and does not know when to let up. I am so very sorry about your loss and I hope you can at least feel like you can breathe better soon. I think everyone heals in their own time.

  3. The idea that it’s hard to know if what you are feeling correlates to something in the real world is a struggle I have constantly – particularly when my chemistry is off. It’s so hard to explain to someone who isn’t bipolar exactly how hard it is to figure out what’s going on. In the early days I would feel crushing depression or anxiety and look around for a reason – try to find something in my life that matches what I’m experiencing. Trying to make my life fit my chemistry was a big bust.

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