This month depression moved in. Not the quick, fleeting sort of depression I generally have throughout the year, but the deep, slow-growing sort that seems to manifest itself during our bleak Seattle winters.
I’ve been trying to explain to the people around me the nature of this depression, because it isn’t the usual sort of fleeting, emotional, crying, despair sort I normally feel.
This depression is the unemotional, a bleak sense of resignation and a lack for caring about anything anymore.
In some ways, at first, I seem to prefer this. It isn’t emotionally jarring, I feel exhausted but don’t feel guilty if I lay around, and I don’t care from one moment to the next what happens to me (great when you have nothing happening to you). Something about it feels comfortable, like slipping on an old pair of sneakers. My anxiety seems to vanish, after all… how can you be worried when you don’t care about anything?
The trouble is that I know the end game when it comes to depression like this. Not caring about yourself and your life can be like a vacation for a week, but if it steadily grows (and it tends to for me) it can be very detrimental to began not caring for a month. Or two months. Longer, even. The longer I go without being able to care, the more things fall apart.
The other issue I have with unemotional depression is that by putting me at ease and alleviating my anxiety I lower my guard and turn a blind eye to the vigilance once keeping me from trusting the things depression begins whispering in my ear. My level of “comfort” with this sort of depression actually goes on to hurt me, because my guard is down.
It is almost like I’ve made a truce with it. Don’t hurt me any further, and I’ll let you (I say “let” as if I can actually get rid of this) stick around.
Trouble is, it always cheats.
Before long it whispers to me, you know, you really are doing more harm being alive than you would if you were dead.
I sip my orange juice and think, “you have a point…”
WAIT! WHAT?!? NO!
Sneaky little snake!
But after months of those situations I’ve had a lot of trouble in the past not believing and agreeing. Then, you know. Hospitalization time again.
The fact of the matter is, I would like to avoid another hospitalization at all costs, and that is part of the reason for this post today. I need to remind myself who the enemy is, get to know it, and stay on guard.