The Confused Mood

Have you ever had one of those moods where you couldn’t tell exactly how you were feeling? The sort of mood where you felt neither up or down but weird, or up and down at the same time?

This morning I’m heading into my third day in a mixed episode. It really stumped me for the first day because when I have mixed episodes they tend to be dysphoric (aggressive, angry, wild, agitated moods). The state I’ve been in the last couple days isn’t anything like that, which is something of an anomaly for me.

This mood is more detached, more like having a place where good and bad feelings are all sitting in a hot tub together having peace talks. I can feel everything at once, but there is also an absence of feeling… like they are simply too busy talking to be taking up space in my brain.

It has come with a sort of detachment I usually only reserve for mania, a tingly-floaty feeling in my body where I feel like I’m trapped in a bubble. Everything feels far away and fuzzy and like it just quite doesn’t have anything to do with me.

The biggest issue I’ve seen is one with memory. It has pretty much just shut off, and I find myself confused, digging through my purse looking for something that isn’t there or asking people to repeat themselves because everything just went in one ear and out the other.

The change in mood has come at a change in dosage in my ramping up of Tegretol so I am pretty sure they are entwined (especially since this mood is so rare for me). As it is a euphoric mixed episode I don’t particularly feel the need to panic though, I am just going to keep close tabs on things and alert my psychiatrist if it moves into the realm of full mania. After all, I’ve already given him the anxious false alarm twice about Tegretol, alerting him to side effects he claims have nothing to do with the drug.

I guess there is one other issue I have with this mixed state, and it is that feeling so detached has left me feeling difficulty connecting with others. Corey’s homecoming from his trip Wednesday was a little weird because of it, but once I explained the situation he seemed to shrug it off.

I don’t know how much longer this will last, but I am trying to take as close of a look at this state as possible. Everything about the symptoms feel elusive, and if I look at any of them directly they seem to disappear. It isn’t often that I “feel crazy” but trying to figure out what has been going on in my head the last couple days would definitely do it!

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6 responses to “The Confused Mood

  1. Oh my God! I am in this state almost always. I guess it is my SSRI starting the mixed episodes. I feel euforic, but not happy, at least rarely genuine happy, if you read me? This is so hard to explain, my emotions is crushing my brain at the same time as I seem not to feel anything at all. I love myself, but still I feel unworthy of beeing human. I feel small and awesome at the same fucking time. Sometimes I’m freaking out about it, but I have managed to live … um … ? … to live, a bit … yes, simple as that.

  2. I have the mixed dysphoric episodes a lot. I also know what that detached feeling is like. I just tried zyprexa for that and it seemed to help well but also made me very tired.

  3. I can relate… When I’ve been up and down at the same time, my brain got to a point to where it couldn’t handle it, and the medications took over. I then couldn’t tell you what I was thinking or feeling at the time. It was as if my brain crashed like a computer because it was in this infinite loop of abstract thoughts and feelings I wasn’t fully aware of. My therapist couldn’t even get me to explain what I was thinking and feeling – and that says a lot for me!

    I hope your episode passes soon. It always comes back.

  4. Hi. I can totally relate to this. My recent ramp up to 100mg of sertraline, as well as a period of manic, extremely anxious behaviour, also led to these feelings of being detached and I also felt like I was going “crazy”; not a nice feeling so I sympathise. I hope it improves for you, but it’s often hard to tell if it’s the drugs causing it, or ‘you’.

    Chin up.

  5. I’ve been in a deep depressed state for over a year now. Finally got myself put back on Cymbalta and feel as if I am actually climbing up out of it after all this time. Would give almost anything to feel the way you feel! Good luck!

  6. I believe you’ve experienced dissociation. Feeling “weird”, “detached”, “floaty” like you’re trapped in a bubble (I’ve used this analogy too), and like things are “fuzzy” gives it away for me… Or at least, that’s very like how I describe what I call my states of dissociation. I also have trouble focusing and things go in one ear and out the other when I’m in this state.

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