Most of my blog posts are concocted days, if not weeks in advance. I write about four times more than I actually post, to weed out… well, you know. Crap. Yesterday, for example, I wrote four posts in preparation for today. All I had to do was wake up, pick one, and post it.
There are moments every once in a while though where I need to be able to write about my current situation (not complain, mind you) without feeling guilty about it or feel like I’m some kind of raving lunatic. The truth is that I’ve got a lot going on, and trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together has left me more confused than informed.
I spent the better half of yesterday and this morning delusional. This isn’t new, as Corey just walked out the door about half an hour ago (the delusions just usually take a bit longer to catch on). I’m about to be alone for the next five days (I say “alone” but I mean primarily “with friends” so not actually alone alone) and there was a moment last week in therapy where my therapist predicted this broken record of a situation.
“Your lizard brain is going to be screaming ‘he’s leaving me, he’s leaving me!’ …but he isn’t.”
I’ve been rather forthcoming on this blog about how backwards my brain seems to work when my boyfriend is away. I do seem to suddenly believe he has left me, that I am all alone and will be forever, and that he doesn’t give a shit about little old me.
In the last 48 hours, this has caused me to cry uncontrollably, send him angry text messages, yell at him, cry some more, and try (probably unsuccessfully) to explain that my brain is giving me both fact and fiction at once, and it is anybody’s guess as to which will win out at any given time.
It isn’t that I’m jealous, or even suspicious of him. It is more like once he is out of my sight, I believe whole heartedly that he is dead and I will never see him again.
Of course, were this some kind of zombie apocalypse movie, I’m sure he might be… but Texas on a Friday probably isn’t a big deal.
At this moment I feel surprisingly optimistic. I mean, maybe it is over? Maybe I’ve cried all the tears I have, and I wont cry any more.
On top of that, it could also be that Tegretol could be to blame for this cry-fest, not Corey’s departure. All I can do is keep taking it and see if the crying continues or if it (hopefully) stops.
The delusions themselves seem very… quick-ish. Coming on rapidly in waves of 30 minutes to an hour apiece, and then apparently evaporating as quickly as they arrived (nice, I’d say). My head does feel like a magic eight ball somebody has been shaking all morning though, so I think I will need a little time before I can step back and see the big picture again.
In any case, I am prepared to watch chick flicks, eat pizza, go shopping for cheeses, eat donuts, belch loudly, and dance around in my pajamas for the next five days. If you need me, that’s where I’ll be.