It seems like this time of year it is pretty common for me to be bouncing between significant depression and chunks of mixed episodes. Even so, there is a chance it is the Latuda causing this agitation, so I can’t say for certain what is causing it.
My boyfriend, Corey, seems to have unlocked the key to noticing when I am having a particularly bad mixed episode. Basically, any time I slam doors, or scream in the kitchen, or can’t sit still, or refuse a comforting hug he’s been suggesting we go outside for a walk.
Taking a walk seems to be the only thing that can somewhat counteract my mixed episodes. It feels like taking a cork out of a bottle that has been rapidly building pressure. Something about nature makes me feel less like throwing the pots and pans and breaking spatulas.
So far paranoia hasn’t been the issue, the issue is something more akin to pure rage. It is almost like being turned into the incredible hulk because all I want to do is smash things and fight.
When I was younger I used to just smash things and fight. It felt quite nice, actually. I can’t help but feel like holding it in seems just like holding my breath, because ultimately when I run out of air, I just explode.
The thing I’ve been keeping my eye on is that potential explosion. The last significant time that happened I blacked out and don’t remember any of it, talk about terrifying. Like I said though, there seems to be less psychosis this round, so things might turn out fine.
Yesterday the agitation didn’t happen at all anyway. Pure depression, instead, where things are down and for a moment they feel even more down.
Next week I’m seeing my psychiatrist so I don’t feel particularly nervous. In fact, I’ve had a few blips of mixed states that erased my anxiety altogether (as mania normally does for me) which is almost a welcome situation, as uncomfortable as it can be!