Today I’m going to write about something which may be totally specific to me (I’m not sure) but it is something that popped up last night and I’ve been thinking about it in the hours since.
When I was a kid, there were several times where I remember my mom looking at me and feeling absolutely terrified for my life. There was some kind of look she gave me that made me want to throw blankets over my head and cry, but the odd part is that it wasn’t the sort of look you’d expect.
It was never the you’d better shape up or you’re getting a whooping look (that was a separate entity), but this terror look often happened when I was in bed after saying good night when she’d be standing in the doorway looking back at me as if to say “good night, you’re safe!”
Somehow the message my brain always got from this look was, “the last thing you are is safe.”
This phenomenon puzzles me, because even though it is not uncommon for me to misplace the wrong sort of feelings to the reactions of people around me (hello bipolar disorder) this was a long time before most of that started cropping up. Could it be I was having childhood delusions, or could it be attributed to anxiety in some way, or even still -was it all just a product of an overactive imagination?
For the most part I think everyone chalked it up to the overactive imagination, but now I find myself wondering if it could have been more. After all, this phenomenon (feeling threatened, in general, for no apparent reason) has been pretty common for me the last few years.
Let’s not forget the exboyfriend I was convinced was going to kill me. Or the time I was certain Corey was attempting to strangle me (it was intended to be a hug) or even the time I thought the newscaster on the television was being particularly threatening and panicked until it was turned off.
Well, out of all of this, I’ve never had happen what happened last night. I thought the tv thing was a little weird, but this was a doozy.
Corey has been out of town for work the last few days, which means it has just been me and Luna (the dog). So far things had been pretty good, no outrageous paranoia (but I have been keeping pretty much all the lights on) but then around 8 pm something rather odd happened.
She got the look.
Now, can you seriously tell me that this little thing looks threatening?
But for some odd reason, sitting at the other end of the couch it was as if her giant eyes were piercing my soul, uttering
you will burn in hell for all eternity!
After I jumped, rather alarmed, from the couch and ran to the bathroom I came back a few minutes later to find regular, snoozing Luna.
So I suppose that even though I’m not cycling right now, I am experiencing weird little blips of psychosis here and there.
Thankfully Corey will be coming home tonight. What a trippy experience!