Last week was a week of depression, but a different kind than what I am used to.
There was no desperation or hopelessness, simply an unfiltered barrage of unmotivation. Making decisions felt like a nightmare, and more than once I found myself sitting staring blanking into space for the better part of an hour before I realized I was doing little more than swimming in the pool of thoughts living in my own brain.
Feeling like I can’t do anything is frustrating. I attempted to force myself into a number of different tasks (drawing, mood charting, cleaning, etc.) only to feel overwhelmingly compelled to stop whatever I was doing and focus on nothing.
Needless to say, I watched a lot more tv last week than I normally do. I know this feeling is temporary, so I allowed my brain a little mini vacation, filled with Mythbusters and scrambled eggs.
In my mood charting I call this phenomenon a “lack of motivation” but it can sometimes feel like something is stopping me from doing what I want to do, rather than failing at tasks from being unmotivated.
What is this elusive something that keeps me from performing? I’ve seen it in several different scenarios now but I still can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe that one needs to go on the list of potential topics for my therapist.