Increasing the Geodon I’m taking meant an increase of hypomania for about a ten day period. As soon as that is over, though, I’m dumped into a pile of depression.
Well the Geodon is powerful. I increased again in the middle of that yucky depression and it shot me up to the precipice of mania.
First I was having days with both hypomania and depression. A real roller coaster, to be sure.
But by day three (Wednesday) the depression dissipated into the verge of a full-on manic state.
I say verge because despite having the manic feelings, I was still able to keep my wits about me somewhat (although I did find myself lip synching to Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now on the bus in front of everyone with very little trouble). I didn’t spend any money or stomp on anyone’s feelings, I merely existed in this state.
The type of mania I had was what I refer to as etherial mania. My mind and body begin drifting apart, seemingly experiencing their own versions of reality independent of one another. As I said, I didn’t lose total control, so there was something of a tether still connecting the mind and body, but impulses sent from the mind to the body seemed to take a lot longer to carry out (and were more robotic feeling than anything else).
My favorite thing about this state is that since the mind and body are somewhat disconnected, I don’t feel pain or hunger or exhaustion.
This time around I didn’t blurt out anything absurd (though I did blurt out “macaroni and cheese” at one point but it was well received) but there was definitely a road block in the thinking clearly department. When asked in my small class to work on a chart on our own I couldn’t understand what we were doing so I sat quietly instead.
Something odd I also noticed was that I didn’t seem to need to blink as much. I can’t quite imagine if that would make me look a bit creepier than usual or what, but it was something I took note of at the time.
It is important to me to really reflect on periods like Wednesday’s precipice so I can get an idea of what states are really harmful and which are just odd to experience.
I think overall this state was relatively harmless, but I know when it escalates into full mania and that mind/body detachment becomes more intense, or when my words and thoughts no longer match up with one another, those can be real issues.
To be honest, I probably shouldn’t have even left the house because I didn’t know if things were going to escalate, but I was heading to a peer recovery class about mental illness so I felt pretty certain they wouldn’t be offended if I stopped making sense.
It seems like the more Geodon I take, the less hypomania and mania I experience on my own (except when triggered by the Geodon itself). I don’t know for sure if that is the case, but I’m in the midst of reviewing my mood charts to feel out that hypothesis.