Letting it Go

I often wonder what the hardest part of having bipolar disorder is. Is it the mistaken feelings? The psychosis? The depression?

Where the depression is concerned, there is one area in particular that I’ve been struggling with. I’ll be minding my own business, working on a project or reading a book or cooking something, and suddenly it is like I am hitting an invisible wall.

The wall comes out of nowhere, and I find myself unable to complete whatever task I am in the middle of.

To say that I can’t finish may not make a lot of sense, and I can’t quite figure out if this is happening physically (I have trouble physically stirring the soup, for example) or mentally (I feel like I am incapable of stirring the soup) or both.

Feeling like I can’t do something is infuriating. I like to think I am a pretty capable person (or at least I was), so every time this happens it is like a slap in the face.

I don’t like the idea of not being able to do what I want to do. I know it shouldn’t, but it often makes me feel lazy and worthless… as if staying busy is the point of life that I simply can’t seem to achieve.

I know that is part of the reason I’m not working. People want their tasks finished. Heck, want tasks finished, but there are times where I can do little more than prop myself up in front of the television and remain there for hours. Or get in bed and sleep to try and pass the time.

During the worst of these times of mental catatonia, Corey has proven to be an enormous amount of help. Not only because he willingly finishes “the soup” for me, but also because he has said something to me that I’d never heard in my life.

It is ok not to finish, you don’t have to do everything.

As the sort of person who likes to do everything, it had honestly never occurred to me that not doing everything was a viable option. It is also reassuring to know that not being able to do everything doesn’t mean I am lazy or worthless, just that sometimes I need to do less.

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