A Curious Switch

So things have been a little rough, and I’ve been losing track of time because Corey has been out of town.

I think I’ve finally nailed down the problem with this situation, and that is that I immediately feel very depressed and desperate within 24 hours of being alone. Something about him leaving (even though I know he is coming back) hurtles me into a place of depression.

What is even more confusing is that the last two days or so I’ve shot right up into hypomania, feeling pretty much the exact opposite of desperate and depressed. Confident, motivated, and energetic. Over the last few days I’ve walked something like 10 miles, a feat considering only days prior I was curled up in the fetal position rolling around in mental agony.

For me, hypomania is not the most common occurrence… at least not anymore. When I was in school is was the reigning mood state, now things only switch over if I am rather lucky.

I say “lucky” very loosely here, because as nice as it has been to be banging out projects very quickly and feeling inclined to exercise nonstop, I also can’t sleep -and no amount of ambien last night was going to convince me otherwise.

Out of all of this I find myself wondering, why now? 

I guess I am near the crest of the loop, could that be why? I also had that uncomfortable depression earlier this week, did I pull a switch? (Switching, for those that aren’t familiar, is going from one mood state into the opposite suddenly, without any time in-between.)

It is certainly true that hypomania is the last thing I expected while Corey is out of town, I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason for it lies somewhere outside my own understanding.

In any case, I will probably continue to text every person in my phone book, walk over the bridge to the next neighborhood over and back again, and continue spreading sewing projects across my living room floor until hypomania fades, leaving me wondering where all that energy and vitality has gone to.

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5 responses to “A Curious Switch

  1. I feel the same way when my husband is gone, sometimes just when he goes to work for an 8 hour shift! I have borderline personality disorder so, it is an abandonment thing for me, I suppose.

    I also clean like an OCD woman and do a million projects at the same time when I am stressed. My psychiatrist says this is my anxiety kicking in and the increased energy and decrease need for sleep are the results. I always thought it was hypomania. I also have a bipolar type II diagnosis so I think it still could be, but she’s the expert.

    I was just writing how confusing all of these overlapping symptoms are. I never quite know which diagnosis I am dealing with.

    • Interesting perspective. The more stressed I am, the less I can sit still, so that definitely makes sense.

      I hear you on the confusion. I’ve been working hard to look at my own symptoms as a group that all interacts together, rather than symptoms of many different disorders. I know it helps doctors to see it that way, but it is helpful to me to look at it in a way that makes sense to ME. I know this viewpoint isn’t exactly encouraged, but I am one person living with one series of symptoms, and looking at it that way often helps me manage them better.

  2. If you’re anything like me, and i can totally relate to the sewing projects, you will ride the FUCK out of that wave and get some shit done before the catatonia sets back in!

  3. “Rolling around in mental agony” … I’ve never seen it so perfectly described before. Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time, but thank you for those words.

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