The last two weeks or so have been rather miraculous, my mood chart showing a flat line spanning days and days (and not along the bottom, so its a double miracle) but I haven’t been able to get much of anything done.
Anxiety is back with a vengeance.
It started out small, with feelings of dread and disgust creeping in at random times throughout the day. A feeling of foreboding, like something terrible was either about to happen, or was already beginning to happen, paired with a weakened gag reflex every time I thought about any of the recent choices I have made.
Next came the thoughts. Out of left field I was suddenly contending with things like, “what if I am just a lazy person and this is all in my head?” or “what if my medical bills use up my entire tax return and I have nothing to live off of?”
You see, good things have been happening. I was awarded 100% care coverage at one of the local hospitals (so I can afford to keep seeing my psychiatrist, hooray!) but that wasn’t before I racked up $700 worth of bills there in two weeks time. If anything is going to cause me to have crippling anxiety, money is one of the number one culprits. Or, let’s be clear, lack of money is one of the number one culprits.
The last month, the money thing didn’t really get to me at all. In fact, anxiety itself didn’t seem to get to me much at all, and I was hoping I had somehow out ran it, just a tad.
Next came trouble falling asleep. So many thoughts, so many worries have been swirling around that I can’t swat them away fast enough for sleep to take over.
Finally, in the last 48 hours, shortness of breath has come in as the cake-topper. I stand up… and have to catch my breath. I walk 5 feet… then have to catch my breath. I lay down… and, you guessed it, have to catch my breath.
It has always been odd to me how much anxiety feels like someone is sitting on my chest.
Anxiety often plays a pretty big role in my bipolar mood swings, contributing to the ups and downs as much as anything else, with symptoms popping in and out like any of my bipolar symptoms. I can’t help but wonder why it feels so much worse when the anxiety comes on its own (worse as in, the anxiety feels worse). Maybe it isn’t overshadowed by other, more serious symptoms? Maybe it is because I feel relatively fine otherwise, and this is keeping me from being as productive as possible?
In any case, I am hoping this increasing anxiety doesn’t trigger something else, or become so severe that depression decides to rear its ugly head and join in.