Behind & Ahead

I don’t know about you, but for me 2012 went by ridiculously fast.

I woke up this morning realizing I had no clue of what I have accomplished this year, or even what I set out to do, so my mind began something of a mad scramble to look behind me.

I’m terrible at looking behind. My memory has become increasingly patchy, and it seems like every time I try it it takes longer and longer for the past to come into focus. Maybe I need a pair of prescription glasses to help correct my hindsight? I can say with some certainty mine doesn’t come in 20/20.

It doesn’t help that mixed states, mania, and even depression seem to work against my ability to look back. Timelines are full of holes, and ripe with delusional inaccuracies. If I let it (and didn’t probe the past) it would almost be as if it didn’t exist at all. So… I can’t say I have any miraculous lessons I can attribute to this reflection, just the comforting notion that I feel more at ease with myself now than I’m sure I did a year ago. That is something I am happy with, and I don’t think I even need to ask for much more.

Looking ahead is much easier. I have plenty of goals and dreams and things to accomplish, but probably the biggest news I can give you is that I am applying for SSDI (social security disability insurance).

This is something that has been on my radar since my last hospitalization (April 2011) but I haven’t felt like I was able to take on the enormous task of applying until after things finally ended with my last employer (due to the episode with delusions and paranoia at work).

To be honest, I haven’t been able to keep a job since that hospitalization, (which isn’t to say I was the most consistent employee before that) but my symptoms and my ability to withstand stress have both gotten considerably worse.

I am sincerely hoping that waiting to apply until now will mean having enough medical evidence, (I’ve been seeing the same psychiatrist for almost two years now, which is kind of a miracle for me) and that I will be more inclined to fight the long fight, since I’ve had the time to decide that this is what I need (and want) to do.

As I said, I have a lot of dreams and goals and aspirations, which isn’t something that is changing. Applying for SSDI will at least give me a chance to survive while I figure out if there is something more that could be done with medications, or by other means, and how to twist those goals into something tangible. For these reasons I am looking ahead to 2013 a little terrified, but ultimately ready to do what I need to do.

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3 responses to “Behind & Ahead

  1. Good luck! It’s a big decision to make, but I can tell you taking that break has meant the world to me in my recovery.

  2. I’m happy to see your enthusiasm – it’s infectious and welcome. All the best in the new year and with your application 🙂

  3. Thank you for the post. I have the same problem of memory retention. I sometimes feel like I’m in a movie cause it cuts from scene to scene and all the in between isn’t there. Wish you the best on filing. I’m in Bellingham just north of you and will be curious to know how it goes with you. I have not had the capital or insurance to get and build the medical reports needed to file. Such a catch 22 this whole system is.
    Have a happy new years!

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