I’ve sort of dropped off the radar for a few weeks… it didn’t help that first I was sick, then I had my wisdom teeth out, and I’m just starting to get over it.
What this means is that I have been alone in my apartment all day, nearly ever day, since Thanksgiving. And while at first there were traces of cabin fever there and I could feel myself wanting to get outside and do something, after a week and a half I have reverted to another attitude entirely.
I am busy, distracted, even, doing things in my apartment. I’ve barely even considered going out, or making plans to talk to anyone, and putting forth the effort to do so seems… silly.
This sort of isolation (forced at first, and then conformed to) is pretty common for me. It isn’t unusual for me to drop off the face of the earth, and disappear from the view of my friends or family.
It isn’t that I don’t want to see anyone, or that I feel compelled to avoid people, it just doesn’t seem to occur to me to reach out or go out.
Now that I am no longer sick, and my mouth is somewhat healed from the wisdom tooth extraction, I’ve been tripping over another isolating hurdle.
The medication I’m taking seems to have two settings. Fall asleep early in the evening (6-7 pm) or take a nap from 2-4 pm and then don’t sleep at all. I currently have been taking it in the “fall asleep early” mode, the don’t sleep at all way of taking it left me feeling totally desperate for sleep, the insomnia driving me bananas.
So what is one to do when they can barely keep their eyes open after 6 pm? How many holiday parties can I go to? How many movies can I go out in the evening to see? How long do I have in the evening to see Corey when he comes home from work, before I am rendered completely unconscious?
Unfortunately, that is just the way things are right now, and I have to accept it. My doctor and I are still playing around with the Geodon to see if maybe a higher dose will have a different effect, so as of yesterday I am dealing with increasing it (with some unpleasant side effects re-surfacing) again.
I also feel like this isolation has been something of an unintentional defense mechanism. My mood remains much more stable (or so it would appear) if it isn’t open to the stress of the outside world. To be fair, though, that is only true for so long before it goes into a self-destruct mode from boredom. I have had enough to do that boredom hasn’t been a huge issue, and I’ve been managing to barely hang on to a relatively level mood.
I know this wont work for long. And I also know that if I don’t pull myself out of this isolation rut, something else will, and it is likely to be much more jarring than if I start to steer myself away on my own.
Until a couple days ago, I didn’t even realize that I was isolating, and though there are several reasons it came about, I’ve continued isolating well past that. As much stress ad December holds, I get worried that it is an all or nothing situation, and that by stepping out of isolation I will have the entire weight of the holidays dumped on me at once.
Last year I wrote a post on dealing with holiday stress… maybe it is time to take my own advice!