Bipolar Disorder is a funny beast. The moods I find myself in always seem to be completely distinct from one another, and when in one, I’m blind to the others. This leaves it quite difficult to get a full overview at any given time.
The chart above is brought to you by moodscope.com, and rather than divulge most of the gory details about what has been going on lately I figured this simple red line could probably tell you all you need to know. It seems to have settled nicely around rock bottom.
So, it has returned. For real, this time. Depression. And as I took that rather steep plunge you can see on the graph around October 1st, I fell into a place I had forgotten. This has occurred enough times now that it goes beyond just an odd familiar feeling, it is like stepping into another version of the life I’m living. Time traveling to begin where the last depression left off, and everything else is a blur of intensely vague in-distinctiveness. The solution? Wait for the time travel to snap back again.
So it goes.
I am currently on a leave of absence from work, or at least I am in limbo -somewhere between a leave of absence and not until the proper paperwork is filled out.
This is new territory for me, the furthest I’ve made it before was asking for the leave of absence and having my HR representative say no. This time around there is a much greater possibility of stepping back into that other reality with a job, but my past experience tells me not to expect too much.
In any case, I am still waiting things out until Monday when I am finally able to see my psychiatrist. Though I have seen some slow improvement, the re-introduction of severe anxiety around the prospect of paperwork associated with work (and the leave of absence) has brought back some of the insomnia I had been having with a vengeance. In that way, my job is doing the opposite of what I need right now by not letting me step back from the stress entirely.
Until then at least, this, unless it decides to be cured by an intense bout of pumpkin carving.