And as Everyone Knows; Waiting is the Hardest Part

Bipolar Disorder is a funny beast. The moods I find myself in always seem to be completely distinct from one another, and when in one, I’m blind to the others. This leaves it quite difficult to get a full overview at any given time.

A Visual Aid

The chart above is brought to you by moodscope.com, and rather than divulge most of the gory details about what has been going on lately I figured this simple red line could probably tell you all you need to know. It seems to have settled nicely around rock bottom.

So, it has returned. For real, this time. Depression. And as I took that rather steep plunge you can see on the graph around October 1st, I fell into a place I had forgotten. This has occurred enough times now that it goes beyond just an odd familiar feeling, it is like stepping into another version of the life I’m living. Time traveling to begin where the last depression left off, and everything else is a blur of intensely vague in-distinctiveness. The solution? Wait for the time travel to snap back again.

So it goes.

I am currently on a leave of absence from work, or at least I am in limbo -somewhere between a leave of absence and not until the proper paperwork is filled out.

This is new territory for me, the furthest I’ve made it before was asking for the leave of absence and having my HR representative say no. This time around there is a much greater possibility of stepping back into that other reality with a job, but my past experience tells me not to expect too much.

In  any case, I am still waiting things out until Monday when I am finally able to see my  psychiatrist. Though I have seen some slow improvement, the re-introduction of severe anxiety around the prospect of paperwork associated with work (and the leave of absence) has brought back some of the insomnia I had been having with a vengeance. In that way, my job is doing the opposite of what I need right now by not letting me step back from the stress entirely.

Until then at least, this, unless it decides to be cured by an intense bout of pumpkin carving.

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6 responses to “And as Everyone Knows; Waiting is the Hardest Part

  1. Stay strong!

  2. Good luck with the LOA. I wish I had gone that route instead of quitting the job I was at when it all went downhill. Crossing my fingers & toes for you!

  3. I’m sorry to hear this. I took a leave from work as well before having to quit entirely. Hopefully, once the paperwork is done some of your anxiety/insomnia will be relieved. Keep writing. Stay connected. Praying for you.

  4. Oh wow, maybe I should start plotting my moods on a lovely scarlet graph… my great problem is giving exact scores for how high or low I feel and I’ve been told that when I’m high I don’t realize how high I am eg my SCHIZOPHRENIC friend had the impertinence to describe me as CRAZY this morning merely because I’m slightly hypomanic… SLIGHTLY. No racing thoughts, I’m only sleeping one single hour less than my usual minimum. The only alleged symptom is elevated mood with periodic fantastic rushes of exaltation and excitement which are simply grand… in fact I feel fantastic nearly all the time which is brilliant. Oh and I’m loud and disinhibited but so fucking what?

    Oi! by the way your blog stars prominently on my sidebar, yet I don’t see mine anywhere on yours so PLEASE PRETY PLEASE PUT IT THERE or I shall be most severely offended ha ha ha!!!

    Oh you don’t really have links to other blogs do you. Well mine is superior also I havea rare and fascinating psychological condition “schizoaffective bipolar disorder” so how about making an exception? COME ON MAN ~ YOU KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO!!!

  5. Totally know what you mean about “oh this again” sensation with the mood dropping off in October. Mid-October for me, but every damn year. It gets old pretty fast, no? Hope the LOA helps – wish I felt I could take one, but as long as I can stick it out…

    • I wish it were as simple for me to have a seasonal pattern (and it would make sense in the pacific northwest) but it seems like half the time in mid-october I experience depression, and the other half I begin a stretch of more intense manic symptoms through Christmas. Flip of a coin for me, it seems, and a real unfortunate one that I wound up with depression this go-around!

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