I am out sick today, which bothers me. I have only been working at this job for a week and a day, so there is something in society that dictates that I should not yet be sick. Unfortunately, that is not the reality of things… and my body gets sick whenever it darn well pleases.
I felt extremely ill all day yesterday and managed to leave work early to make it to the doctor. I expected to get handed some antibiotics for whatever potential infection I had and be done with it. Instead I was rushed to get an emergency CT scan because the doctor feared I had appendicitis.
The funny thing about this situation is that when I was younger I was constantly convinced, time and again, that I had appendicitis. To the point where I would go to the hospital, incurring large amounts of debt. I guess that is what you’d call a hypochondriac, but it amused me yesterday that the one time I walk into a doctor’s office ruling out appendicitis, that’s the one time it was my doctor’s initial fear.
Several hours later, I found out it wasn’t my appendix that burst but a cyst I had… or at least, that is what they concluded based on the data from the scan. It is no wonder I felt so wretched yesterday and could barely make it up the stairs.
So today I am staying home, despite actually feeling much better than yesterday. Just groggy and slow and tired, really, but less pain. The pain I’m having today comes from the comfort of being home all day, waking up and following the morning routine I’d had for months before starting this job last week. The comfort and relief I feel just sitting on the floor at the computer really overshadows the exhaustion, stress, and bitterness that has began to creep in around working again and I am more conflicted than ever.
I have also been having trouble getting information on medical benefits before making my final decision for which plan to sign up for. HR seems confused by my outright questions regarding the mental health portion of coverage, and they seem somewhat nervous about proceeding with the answers. That is something I am going to write a bit more about later on though.
Anyway, being forced to step back a little bit is hard. I’m seeing things I wouldn’t have noticed otherwise, for better or worse. I’ve had trouble in the past with wishing terrible things would happen to me so I would be excused from work, and as I sat under the CT scanner, veins injected with dye, I found myself hoping, even just a little bit, that I had appendicitis so I could have a get-out-of-work-free card.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about that particular feeling and motivation and more than ever I can see how it looks from the eyes of an innocent bystander. Crazy, for lack of a better word. Masochistic. Selfish. But somehow, and I don’t know why, there are times where the idea of working and the stress of it all seems much more intimidating than any physical pain I could endure otherwise.
Mentally, I can’t hold up under intense physical pain for long. But I can hold up much longer under physical pain than I can stress or emotional turmoil.
Oh no, I’ve just let slip my kryptonite…