Patience is… difficult for me, to say the least. Anxiety makes patience agonizing both physically and emotionally, and I’ve yet to find something (apart from being very distracted) that helps with it.
To let you in on what has been going on the last week; I applied for a job.
It wasn’t something I decided to do easily, in fact when one of my friends suggested I apply I said no. It wasn’t until the third or fourth time she confronted me about it that I finally gave in and said I’d apply, with no real expectations.
You see, I have a degree in fashion design, and though it is something I have been able to excel at, the fashion industry has proven to be not only the cold hearted bitch everyone said it would be, but also that it is not able to withstand the shattering of the American economy. Six months after school I was working in the industry, and within two years of that, everything collapsed. Needless to say, the scrambling that happened with the collapse made for a rather intense atmosphere, and it wasn’t particularly fun.
I had come to the conclusion a long time ago that I didn’t really want to work for another big fashion company, but the accounts I’ve been getting from the inside of this particular company have really defied everything I’ve come to know within the industry. This place could be different, it could be an oasis among a stilettoed desert, but that is yet to be seen.
When nothing happened for almost two weeks after applying, I shrugged the whole thing off and was attempting to move on with my life when I was contacted for an interview. 24 hours later I found myself in what was actually more like three interviews, and then I heard nothing on Friday leaving me with a long weekend of anxiety and “patience”.
Last night I had a nightmare that I didn’t get the job. I woke up, shook it off, and went back to sleep -only to have a nightmare that I did get the job. Either way in my dreams I lost, both held enormous consequences, with awkward repercussions.
This morning I’ve found out I have a final interview tomorrow, so by the end of the week I should have some kind of conclusion either way. The conflicting feelings I was having last week continue as my mind spins with notions of what I am actually capable of, if I can handle something big like this again, and how long I could potentially last before having a big breakdown.
Essentially, this is a carrot the size of a city, and I already feel like I’ve made up my mind to hold onto it -because how often does one come across a carrot the size of a city? It has been four years since I’ve seen one, and at this point it seems essential to eat away a house for myself in the middle of that carrot and at least live there until the thing begins to rot.
I don’t feel like I have much to lose right now, and the list of things to gain (including medical benefits) is a long one. There may be some big changes up ahead, and I haven’t really been able to think through (entirely) what that would mean for this blog, for my free time, and my dog. Corey has been very supportive, however, and has expressed that he is willing to make whatever changes necessary to help make this a good transition for me if it is what I want to do.
Consequently; I don’t really know anything right now, and that’s what is so difficult. Hopefully I can distract myself with Swedish meatballs and videogames.