I thought I must be coming out of the depression because a few days ago I was hit with a big wall of creative energy. Instead, I seemed to stay depressed, or rather experience waves of depression.
It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized those waves of depression were being accompanied by energy and extremely intense racing thoughts -which meant I actually had transitioned out of depression like I thought. I just transitioned into low level mixed episodes, which feel about ten times worse.
Racing thoughts are acting as the defining mark of these episodes, and they are so overwhelming and out of control I have trouble holding a conversation when they are happening. The activity in my brain feels so great that my head might just explode at any minute, and I am pretty sure they’ve set up extra temp cubicles in my sinuses because they’ve run out of room in the general… you know, skull-part.
I was really amazed that I hadn’t noticed the signs sooner, but all of those negative depressive signs that stuck around kept dancing and drawing my attention while the hypomanic symptoms set in.
I’m not sure if these baby waves are ripples leaving a triggering moment, or if they are happening organically, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were triggered. I made the mistake of cracking open a book that had a few really intense, traumatic stories, and within 30 minutes I was crying uncontrollably in the kitchen.
Did I trigger the mixed episodes? Did I trigger gobs of emotion that, when they come up, just happen to be in the mixed realm because that’s where I’m sitting now? Or was that episode of crying and flailing around (which you shouldn’t do while cooking alfredo and asparagus, by the way) singular and not connected to these increasingly dysphoric episodes that keep happening?
It is definitely difficult to know with so many variables swirling around, and though I have theories, the scientist inside of me says we’ll never know for sure.
Stress is definitely still high, and I finally got a chance to meet with my therapist yesterday after 3 weeks of not (because she was so ill she was on bed rest).
I had a long list of things to talk about, but among them was my job, and how I nearly quit two weeks ago when I was at the peak of being upset about it.
I am trying to ride it out, that is true, but even though I didn’t physically quit, I’ve removed myself emotionally. So I did kind of a mental quit, the rest of me hasn’t decided if I should reign that back in, or follow in its footsteps.
I asked my therapist what to do.
“Well I don’t have an easy answer,” she said, slightly comically.
“What,” I replied, “you mean you aren’t a human-shaped magic eight-ball I can pay $20 to spit out an answer?”
“Reply hazy, try again.”
Apparently what I need for that is psychic, which is not the same as psychologist. Must have been those p-s-y-c-h’s that threw me off.
What I feel when I go to a good therapist is that I have been cleansed of something. Like a human carwash, perhaps. I tell them my twisted, awkward thoughts or actions and they tell me everything is fine, and how to deal with it (with a few exceptions). I leave feeling lighter, smarter, and like my crazy, irrational behavior has been washed away.
I then spend the next week to two weeks (often) building up a new set of awkard, irrational thoughts and actions.
If I wait too long before going to the therapist again, those thoughts and actions will eat me alive.
I realize now that sounds an awful lot like religion, and maybe there is something spiritual about it, I don’t know. I do know, though, that for me God is not involved in this process. Just a young girl sitting in the chair opposite, canceling out my irrationalities with her rationalness.
Therapists in general do not hold special power I think, they’re just people who have been trained to think and respond logically to often illogical information. After all, this feeling of comfort and that something has been rationalized also comes when I speak to regular people about things as well, for the most part, it just usually takes a lot longer. Generally speaking, the average joe is not professionally trained to know what to say to help counteract irrational behavior.
So, things are very much the same, but different. As is the case for me, usually. I just thought I’d give a brief update.
And finally, if you’re in the Seattle area, I’ve emailed the NAMI folks until they finally chose a date for our NAMI walk. It is supposed to be held late in October (which seems entirely counterintuitive to me, the weather will probably be horrendous). If you feel like dropping them a line about it, I think that would be an excellent idea.