Earlier this week, magic happened.
I woke up feeling refreshed, stable, appreciative, and creative.
The day itself felt relaxed and good humored. I felt loved, and loving.
The muscles in my body did not clench or contort under the weight of stress or anxiety by the end of the day, and somehow the daily physical pain I normally feel took a day off. No headaches, no backaches, no stomachaches.
The entire day felt something like going back in time, like being 21 again. It was as if the last several years had never occurred and my health, (though sporadic at that time), was not yet debilitating.
It was a perfect day. I don’t remember the last time I felt so entirely like just myself.
I fell asleep entirely content, the need to wish that this person, this former version of me would be there when I woke up the next morning, didn’t even enter my mind. There was no fear, no concern for the future, just a perfect day under my belt.
The next morning I woke up not quite so rested. Feeling not quite so much like myself. And over the next 12 hours, I watched everything that had been there the day before evaporate, leaving me with this person. Me. 25 with pain to be reckoned with. Atrocious anxiety. Irritable.
The perfect day I experienced was something I considered to be a very happy story, but as time wore on this week I found myself wondering at what point is it a sad story?
If this was the first day I felt like myself in a month?
If this was the first day I felt like myself in 6 months?
If this was the first day I felt like myself in a year?
What about longer?
I find myself torn between two places, one of appreciation that I could have any time, even a single day, feeling like myself again… and the other of frustration with the fact that that single day was so fleeting and I genuinely have no idea when (or if) I can get it back again.
Does this one day grant me hope or doom me to obsess over this carefree version of myself that hasn’t been present in ages?
Either way, it is so rare for me to spend an entire day in any one mood or state that all I can seem to do is wonder at the fact that this one day of sublime stability happened at all. And at this very moment, something about it feels encouraging… so we’ll leave this one a happy story.