A Happy Story

Earlier this week, magic happened.

I woke up feeling refreshed, stable, appreciative, and creative.

The day itself felt relaxed and good humored. I felt loved, and loving.

The muscles in my body did not clench or contort under the weight of stress or anxiety by the end of the day, and somehow the daily physical pain I normally feel took a day off. No headaches, no backaches, no stomachaches.

The entire day felt something like going back in time, like being 21 again. It was as if the last several years had never occurred and my health, (though sporadic at that time), was not yet debilitating.

It was a perfect day. I don’t remember the last time I felt so entirely like just myself.

I fell asleep entirely content, the need to wish that this person, this former version of me would be there when I woke up the next morning, didn’t even enter my mind. There was no fear, no concern for the future, just a perfect day under my belt.

The next morning I woke up not quite so rested. Feeling not quite so much like myself. And over the next 12 hours, I watched everything that had been there the day before evaporate, leaving me with this person. Me. 25 with pain to be reckoned with. Atrocious anxiety. Irritable.

The perfect day I experienced was something I considered to be a very happy story, but as time wore on this week I found myself wondering at what point is it a sad story?

If this was the first day I felt like myself in a month?

If this was the first day I felt like myself in 6 months?

If this was the first day I felt like myself in a year?

What about longer?

I find myself torn between two places, one of appreciation that I could have any time, even a single day, feeling like myself again… and the other of frustration with the fact that that single day was so fleeting and I genuinely have no idea when (or if) I can get it back again.

Does this one day grant me hope or doom me to obsess over this carefree version of myself that hasn’t been present in ages?

Either way, it is so rare for me to spend an entire day in any one mood or state that all I can seem to do is wonder at the fact that this one day of sublime stability happened at all. And at this very moment, something about it feels encouraging… so we’ll leave this one a happy story.

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9 responses to “A Happy Story

  1. I was entertaining myself the other day thinking about making a t-shirt that says ” I’m with me”…haha funny funny.

    Then in a moment of perspective I guess I’ll call it I realized that I was onto something that might work for me.

    I know who I am, who I essentially am…that is me. The moods and the personas of those moods are sometimes how I present myself to the world. Those personas and the behaviors that go with them and the way that I am perceived and the way that I have to navigate my life dealing with all of that is Russ.(my name for those who don’t know me).

    So for a while I am going to try viewing my life as if they are something akin to the states of water.
    I know I am water. Sometimes Ice, Sometimes Steam, sometimes clouds…you get the picture.

    Somedays it’s Russ that gets about in the world, sometimes it’s me.

    • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

      Russ, you seem to be constantly full of insightful remarks… this one is no exception. This is a really cool idea, thanks for sharing it!

  2. I get 4 hours a day from my ritalin where I feel like that good. Then it’s back to the anxiety and stress and muscle pain
    I guess I should feel lucky for those 4 hours.

    • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

      Four hours a day is great, especially if it is something you can count on. Right now things have been so sporadic for me that I have no idea what is coming or going, so I can see how a mere 4 hours a day would be enough to wet one’s appetite for normalcy, but I can definitely appreciate the idea of being fortunate in having that 4 hours a day as well.

  3. I’m glad you see it as a good day. Hopefully you’ll get another one soon. Keep doing what you’re doing, using your tools etc… Hey in a few months you may be getting the happy days every few days…

    Fingers crossed for you 🙂

    • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

      Thanks, and it wasn’t even that it was a happy day, but a day devoid of episodes or the physical pain I’ve been subject to on a (nearly) daily basis these days. A “today I can pretend I live just like everybody else” sort of day.

      I hope so too, but this can become a dangerous thing for me to dream about. Universe, (hint, hint) do your thing!

  4. Put on a lotto ticket! Universe may mix things up your hint a little 🙂

  5. I’ve had similar experiences. I think keeping that appreciation and bit of hope without dwelling on it is the key, if possible. My husband gets more disappointed than I do. I tend to think it’s always going to go bad, which isn’t a great way to look at it either. But who knows. This whole bipolar thing is so mysterious.

  6. I’m glad you got to spend a day being YOU. Celebrate it.

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