Focusing the Super Focus Ability Beam

There is something about my nature that makes me able to focus on a particular subject or project or action for a good chunk of time, maybe 6 months or so, before a reset switch is thrown and I inevitably shift my focus onto something else.

I don’t know if it is something about me, or if it is something that was instilled in me by school, or if it is a product of some alleged disorder.

All I know is that for about six months, I can do practically anything well.

I’ve shifted this powerful ability to focus on any number of things, showing dogs, music, fine arts of many kinds, fiber arts, cooking, baking, you name it. There is a flourish of a new something that I can’t seem to get enough of until the next shiny thing comes along.

Lately my shiny thing is cultivating relationships.

I wouldn’t say that I’m an awesome friend, I mean I can excel at helping pick a cute outfit for an event, or commiserate over shitty situations like the best of them -but, I also have a tendency to drift.

And not the fun, Tokyo kind.

The drifting I do is usually slowly and in the general direction of “away”.

It isn’t that I stop caring about my friends, in fact at times I would say I care almost too much. I just have a lot on my plate sometimes, emotionally and mentally and all that. Sometimes it is like I go for a nice walk, but then halfway through my walk I get lost in the woods. By the time I make it out of the woods, a lot more time has passed than I expected, seasons have passed, and I’ve drifted a lot further away from everyone than I ever meant to.

That being the case, I’ve recently been focusing my super focus ability beam on several relationships in my life. Somehow I’ve also picked up this quite useful ability to say exactly what is on my mind to people, out loud, without hesitation. It does come out sometimes in the middle of other peoples sentences, which I’m still trying to figure out how to regulate the flow of all that normally, but for the most part it seems like people are so shocked that I’ve said anything meaningful at all that they’re touched, and happy, and you know. Things get sappy.

The whole thing is really unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Lately I’m used to being all distant and mysterious and just plain odd, I’d forgotten what it was like to add a little something extra.

I’ve been building some changes, being able to express what I’m thinking and what I want to say to people in general conversation is one of them. It might not sound like much, but being able to formulate interesting and thoughtful ideas and then spit them out has been changing the sorts of relationships I’ve been having with people to an overwhelming degree. Sometimes I slip up, sure, but for the most part it is all for the better, and I’m hoping this kind of change will help me in maintaining these kinds of bonds after my six-month timer goes off and my attention is actively focused elsewhere. I figure if I can make this enough of a habit, it will become second-nature and I wont need to focus so hard to make this happen anymore.

I think writing can help a lot with that, and being able to express yourself on paper or in an email or on a blog means practicing formulating sentences, practicing turning those ideas into actual words, and practicing reflecting on topics or ideas to inspire even more thoughts and ideas.

It just takes one little change, sending those messages from your brain to your mouth instead of to your fingers on the keyboard. Before you know if, you too could be yapping away about your thoughts and ideas to a handful of baffled friends!

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4 responses to “Focusing the Super Focus Ability Beam

  1. Interesting… I am similar though I think my attention span is shorter…

  2. I do that project-to-project drifting too. Hopefully this blogging thing isn’t like that for either of us!

    I’ve made a concerted effort to really go in depth and long-term with a couple of things, and it has been worth it. Drifting away from people has always had more to do with life transitions and geographic distances, though. After that, it does take a lot more work to keep in touch and keep things going, especially since I end up having very limited time to spend with friends when I’m visiting my home state. I think the waxing and waning of relationships is a pretty natural thing, though.

    • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

      I would say that I have relationships that I’ve drifted from because of geography and whatnot, but in addition to that when I had my most recent hospitalization last year I was so depressed I wasn’t even talking to the people I usually see on a weekly basis just to hang out. Once I was hospitalized, I really fell off the face of the earth, and I honestly didn’t want to tell anyone where I was because I was afraid my friends (who would want to be supportive) would all try to come visit me at once, which would be completely overwhelming. So that’s really the sort of drifting that tends to happen to me, in addition to smaller periods of a month or two where I get so caught up in my own head that I forget to talk to the people I enjoy.

      Also, being open with the people around me about bipolar disorder has really made a lot of my friendships more intimate than they ever were before.

      And my intention is definitely for this blog to be here to stay!

  3. I can relate to that post. Thinking back I opened up more to people after I started writing a diary, after a particularly dark depression. The diary really helped me come out of it, but I noticed I found it easier to talk to people about my own life. Before then I was very much ‘Work Graham, Family Graham, Friend Graham, Boyfriend Graham” etc… I suppose writing things down help make sense of things, as oppose to it being jumbled up in the grey matter. The more we do it, the easier it is to communicate in speaking terms.

    Glad your blog is here to stay 🙂

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