Dastardly Dan

I had no intention of being awake right now, however that’s just the luck of the draw tonight. Three ups, downs, and back ups so far since noon.

The trigger today was my therapy appointment. As per the last few times, my attendance triggered hypomania, and what has followed is a series of ripples that continue to expand.

Today my suspicions were realized when I came to the final, albeit roundabout conclusion that I have experienced mania much more often than I had originally considered. It has so many faces that the darn thing can be hard to pinpoint sometimes, and its trickery is only surpassed by its evil.

That’s right, evil. Many people talk about mania being fun or invigorating or spiritual, or even inspirational, and it can be all of those things. BUT, at the end of the day, those qualities are almost always overshadowed by irritability, poor judgment, paranoia, or psychosis. Mania wants to be friends so it can use your extra apartment key to slip inside in the middle of the night and stomp on your extensive record collection. Then, when you confront it, it’ll just try to make you believe you’re crazy for bringing it up in the first place. After that, it buys a round for everyone at the bar to neutralize the situation just so you can be friends again.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Dastardly, I tell you! The more I get to know this character, the more frustrating it becomes.

Anyway, what brought this all about was my therapy appointment, which I already mentioned.

Perhaps there is some kind of mathematical rule that the better one holds up on the outside between therapy visits, the more inclined one is to completely crash, burn, and fall apart during the 50 minutes one is paying for.

Regardless, I have a tendency to believe that the stuff going on over on the mania end of the scale isn’t really affecting me. Or, it is affecting me, but it isn’t affecting my life. That came crashing down pretty hard today, I must say, and I really underestimated the mania game of shadows.

It is so bizarre how my mind can play such vivid tricks on me, and I can only seem to see them when peering through magical binoculars made out of a mental health professional.

Game on mania, game on. You double inceptioned me, altering my perception wildly for a brief moment to take my attention away from the fact that the rest of my perception had been altered as well, but on a smaller scale. Bravo.

Is it sick to say that this makes me a little proud of the level of game this head of mine is bringing these days? I mean honestly, I’m a little impressed.

But hear this my friend, that’s it. We’re over. I’m totally dumping you, mania. I’m not even going to accept your free round of drinks, OOOh or maybe I will and just throw mine back in your face.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 26 years, well shame on…. you. Yeah, still you.

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6 responses to “Dastardly Dan

  1. “It has so many faces that the darn thing can be hard to pinpoint sometimes, and its trickery is only surpassed by its evil.”

    That is so true. I didn’t realize it I began to identify dysphoric hypomanic episodes. I’ve been having more hypomanic episodes than I ever did. Or maybe, I’m like you in the respect that I just didn’t recognize them. I guess that would account for my nastier moments. I thought I was just like that. Maybe not.

    Thanks for this post. It really reaffirms everything I thought about the nature of hypomania.

  2. I like your writing and what it reveals about your journey.

    I came to the conclusion that mania wasn’t my friend by the time I was in my late 40’s but by then my resume was a train wreck and I was attempting to massacre my fourth marriage. My salvation is much related to the fact that my husband simply refused to let me do it; my last truly manic episode is more than 7 years behind me. I do continue, despite my many disciplines, medications and prayers, to suffer hypomanic, depressed and mixed states. Hypomania is an indescribable torture, but you did a great job in your post!

    At my http://www.tracyrevalee.com website, under author bio, I reveal slightly more of my story to date. There is more on my past in my book but I am starting a new blog today that is all about our future.

    Would you agree to be on the blogroll for “Bipolar Bylines?” I hope it would drive more traffic your way, if you’re looking for a larger audience. What I’m looking for is a venue to share the part of my life that is my bipolar illness and to begin to lay out some my strategies, research, recipes and disciplines that have helped me heal and deal with it.

    I’m doing updates on my sites today. Feel free to comment or e-mail me at tracyrevalee@yahoo.com. Ciao, Tracy

    • Tracy,

      thank you for the kind comments! I’ve recently spoken to a few people that told me none of them had ever been to the doctor because they were hypomanic, they had only gone while depressed. There is this illusion out there that hypomania and even mania, at times, are harmless. It may have taken until your 40’s to come to the conclusion that “harmless” is far from the truth, but I think the important thing to remember is that you came to that conclusion at all!

      I am happy to hear that you are doing somewhat better, and I find it impressive you’ve written a book, that’s pretty exciting.

      You may absolutely put me on the blogroll, and I’m looking forward to reading what you have to say!

    • “I was attempting to massacre my fourth marriage… My husband wouldn’t let me do it.”

      That struck me. In a way, it was comforting to know that self-sabatoge goes with the territory. But, it resonated with me. My next thought was, “Now, that’s a man who loves you, through and through, as a whole.” I’m so happy you are blessed with that. I have also gone at my marriage, swinging the hatchet wildly. My husband knew me so well that all he had to do was stay away from the blade, and talk me down when my head was quiet enough.

      If my husband was masochistic in any other area of his life, I would have suspected he was just a glutton for punishment. But, he’s not. That’s love, when I was losing hope that such a deep love existed.

      I checked out your website and I love it! I am so happy to see people out there, telling their stories to the world. It raises awareness and removes stigma. Thanks for being a strong voice in the community!

  3. I’m another one of those people who never went to the doctor when hypomanic, and as such, was treated has having only depression for over ten years. It was only when a clever doctor took the time to sit down and look back at that time with me, that we spotted the pattern. I didn’t know any better though – why would I, or anyone, go to the doctor just to say “I feel amazing!”. However, after a particularly tricky summer, I am trying to accept the dangerous side to being up. It’s hard, (particularly when feeling down). It’s good to read posts like this to be reminded of the other side of it.

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