That’s the name of the game though, isn’t it?
I was discussing with my boyfriend how bizarre it seemed that one day my blog could have one hit, and the next it could have 60, followed by 4 the next day, followed by 16 the next, and from what I can tell there is no apparent pattern.
He said, “so it is inconsistent?”
“Yes,” I replied. “consistently inconsistent.”
“But from what you’ve told me, aren’t people with bipolar disorder usually inconsistent?”
HA. Consistently inconsistent!
Inconsistency feels like it is the very nature of the bipolar beast itself.
Even if just basing this on myself, I know I can be an incredibly inconsistent person.
- My moods aren’t consistent, they may not even reflect my actual feelings in any given situation.
- My goals aren’t consistent, they’re inflated with mania and deflated again with depression.
- My feelings aren’t consistent, I can enjoy someone’s company one minute and loathe them the next (though this has gotten much, much better).
- My actions aren’t consistent, they can be swayed by my moods.
- My work ethic isn’t consistent, because there is no way for me to reproduce, while depressed, the workload I can carry while I’m manic.
What I find funny is that despite all of this (thanks bipolar disorder), I am somehow also able to exhibit traits of obsessive compulsive disorder… which, to me, seems like an unlikely pair. How is that possible? I feel that instead of inconsistency, OCD breeds consistency.
I feel compelled to repeat an action or task over and over again, or to control my environment almost meticulously, or to inject a sense of consistency into inconsistent things.
Why did I spend hours yesterday arranging my dvds by genre? I did it to feel a sense of relief, and to inject a sense of consistency into my world.
The collision of these two worlds (Bipolar vs. OCD) has led me to produce behavior that has been beyond ridiculous on occasion. How are both of these things within me, how are they managing to co-exist? And, is it somehow for the better? I can’t claim that I have managed to stop being inconsistent, but it might be beneficial having that other force present, kicking me in the butt every once in a while to get my attention.
Having a routine is the most helpful thing I can think of, and all the parts of me that relate to OCD push and push and push for routine.
Even so, is it terrible to admit that I’ve learned to rely on my own inconsistency?
If I don’t like someone when I meet them, I know all I have to do is meet them a few more times and I’ll generally have a much different opinion the next time around.
And as terrible as I feel at any given time, I always believe that going to sleep will wipe the slate clean, as often it does. I can rely on the idea that I’ll probably wake up the next day feeling quite different than I did at any given moment in the evening.
In times of great stress I have a 50/50 shot that Mega-Sarah will appear and somehow complete every necessary task in a fraction of the time they would have taken me to complete otherwise (not entirely unlike Mary Poppins).
Is this giving up?
Is this resignation to mental illness?