I had no intention of being awake right now, however that’s just the luck of the draw tonight. Three ups, downs, and back ups so far since noon.
The trigger today was my therapy appointment. As per the last few times, my attendance triggered hypomania, and what has followed is a series of ripples that continue to expand.
Today my suspicions were realized when I came to the final, albeit roundabout conclusion that I have experienced mania much more often than I had originally considered. It has so many faces that the darn thing can be hard to pinpoint sometimes, and its trickery is only surpassed by its evil.
That’s right, evil. Many people talk about mania being fun or invigorating or spiritual, or even inspirational, and it can be all of those things. BUT, at the end of the day, those qualities are almost always overshadowed by irritability, poor judgment, paranoia, or psychosis. Mania wants to be friends so it can use your extra apartment key to slip inside in the middle of the night and stomp on your extensive record collection. Then, when you confront it, it’ll just try to make you believe you’re crazy for bringing it up in the first place. After that, it buys a round for everyone at the bar to neutralize the situation just so you can be friends again.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Dastardly, I tell you! The more I get to know this character, the more frustrating it becomes.
Anyway, what brought this all about was my therapy appointment, which I already mentioned.
Perhaps there is some kind of mathematical rule that the better one holds up on the outside between therapy visits, the more inclined one is to completely crash, burn, and fall apart during the 50 minutes one is paying for.
Regardless, I have a tendency to believe that the stuff going on over on the mania end of the scale isn’t really affecting me. Or, it is affecting me, but it isn’t affecting my life. That came crashing down pretty hard today, I must say, and I really underestimated the mania game of shadows.
It is so bizarre how my mind can play such vivid tricks on me, and I can only seem to see them when peering through magical binoculars made out of a mental health professional.
Game on mania, game on. You double inceptioned me, altering my perception wildly for a brief moment to take my attention away from the fact that the rest of my perception had been altered as well, but on a smaller scale. Bravo.
Is it sick to say that this makes me a little proud of the level of game this head of mine is bringing these days? I mean honestly, I’m a little impressed.
But hear this my friend, that’s it. We’re over. I’m totally dumping you, mania. I’m not even going to accept your free round of drinks, OOOh or maybe I will and just throw mine back in your face.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 26 years, well shame on…. you. Yeah, still you.