I am flying close to the sun my friends on wings made of wax: that’s right, we’ve got some mania up in here.
I noticed it around noon when I suddenly experienced the most elated sense of panic ever. That may sound contradictory, but I both felt an immediate sense of panic and success for knowing the correct solution to alleviate my panic: shopping. Becuase what solves all Christmas flavored problems? Shopping.
I almost never shop, or to be more precise I shop sometimes but buy never. Spending money causes me way too much anxiety to be able to do it well, but mania is one of those few times where shopping is fun. Shopping is fun because everything is fun.
Another sign of mania for me is feeling like I’m trapped in a box. Whatever room I am in becomes a box, which gets smaller and smaller until I enter the hallway (which is just a larger box) and then find my way outdoors. I don’t like being in small areas while manic, so that means I am usually outdoors.
Once outdoors things level out a little bit, I feel slightly less ridiculous and more on top of things. I’m no longer holding long conversations with my dog (which is already a pretty good sign) and any task has quickly become insignificantly easy.
I have several systems for ranking my mood to help be get a grip on where it is in the spectrum of what I normally experience, and in one of them I use a 1-3 system for both mania or depression. That would be mild (1), moderate (2), and intense (3). An example for me might look like:
1 (mild) mania (hypomania) might involve increased energy and generally unnaturally optimistic attitude.
2 (moderate) mania (still in the realm of hypomania) might include rapid speach, quickened thought process, impulsive behavior, feeling elated, etc.
3 (intense) mania is where things start to get out of control (and usually I should seek pretty immediate medical attention). I begin to bob in and out (or fully submerge myself) into a fictitious world and my grasp on reality becomes been severed.
Lately I’ve been hanging out kind of around a 1, but today is definitely a level 2. For about 30 minutes I was probably more of a 2.5, but going outside helped pull me back down to a 2.
Anyway, that is a pretty significant increase in the episodes I’ve been having lately, so I will need to be pretty careful to make sure I keep an eye on it.