Outburst? Facepalm.

To be completely honest, I didn’t realize I was feeling hypomanic today until writing that last post.

The last few days have been a weird cluster of emotions, and last night I had an outburst.

I would say outbursts are the number one most embarrassing thing that happens to me. I’ve reached the point now where crying really isn’t that big of a deal, and after my emergency room visit that partially involved a massive panic attack, well I don’t think a panic attack could embarrass me much more than what has already gone down.

Thankfully these outbursts don’t happen very often, maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 6 months, but that isn’t much consolation for what usually happens.

Words come out of my mouth, usually words that I am planning on just thinking. The wires get crossed in there or something, and instead I (often) shout something entirely rude and inappropriate. Afterward not only is the person on the receiving end entirely confused, but I am as well. No amount of apologizing seems to be able to diffuse the situation, and in conclusion, I feel like an ass.

Last night all I did was shout one, singular word. “No!” Great, way to feel like a two year old.

I’m meeting with my therapist today, I’m going to ask her about it.

5 responses to “Outburst? Facepalm.

  1. I often think things and then worry that I said them out loud. It’s only actually happened once, that I know of. I blurted out the rude thing that I was thinking and then paused. The other person and I just looked at each other a second and I realized what I’d done. Then I said, “Did I say that out loud?! Oh God!” Not a good conversation.

    I’m really more likely to have diarrhea of the mouth, where I get to talking about some stupid topic that I, at that moment, think is AMAZING. I’ll just go on and on, and if you try to talk I’ll enthusiastically interrupt you, because I’m talking! And excited! And talking! And everyone gets uncomfortable except me. Afterwards I feel shame and sadness and want to never leave the house again. I am socially awkward all on my own. Bipolar, I don’t need your help!

  2. Well according to my therapist, having the occasional blurting out of something you intended to think is normal. Something about a specific part (frontal cortex I believe) of our brain taking a while to mature (which is one of the reasons why teenagers are constantly blurting out loads of crap), and sometimes it shuts itself down (with too much stress, lack of food, pretty much a million reasons).

    I hate the situations you’re referring to though as well, because when it happens to me I usually become aware halfway through that it is happening but I can’t stop… all I can do is watch the perplexed (and somewhat annoyed) faces of the people around me until I run out of words. Such is life I guess!

  3. Is the comment intended for the recipient? If so, I do that pretty frequently. I call it, “Mouth Diarrhea”. I’ll be thinking something darker, along the lines of what I’m actually saying, and it will slip into regular conversation. Or sometimes, I just can’t stop myself from shouting at someone. Like I did pretty recently. Oops.

    What did your therapist have to say?

    • I’ve got some of the reply from my therapist in the reply to the comment above, but your comment about shouting (in particular) reminded me that this reaction can also be coupled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

      I know that in the first week or two after my own PTSD incident (or one of them anyway) I was talking on the phone with my mother and walking down the street when, for no apparent reason, I began screaming at some kids on skateboards that were skating past me. My mother was probably just as alarmed as the kids were, but it was as if I had no control over my reaction.

      It still happens sometimes when people startle me or lunge at me (which is a surprisingly frequent tactic used by signature collectors on the streets in Seattle to get people’s attention) and I’m constantly trying not to yell at these folks. The city has tried to “outlaw” the behavior, but it hasn’t made much of a difference unfortunately.

      • I typically only do it now when it involves my son. I was crossing the street a couple of months ago in the rain, with my son in my arms. I live on a pretty busy road, but it was the middle of a Saturday afternoon. This girl, and when I say girl, I mean probably between 17 and 20, didn’t even try to brake while I was plainly in the street. Thankfully, I was vigilant and jumped to safety.

        I was hardly provoked. She, or one of her hood rat friends, screamed something out the window. I turned, my 40-some-pound son in my arms, and I freaked out. I screamed something along the lines of, “Come back here and I’ll kick your…” You get the idea. Truth is, I was read to fight. If she had stopped the vehicle, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t have attempted to take a swing at her.

        My husband, always the devil’s advocate, encouraged this response! I ranted on and on about the likes of her. He basically told me that if she would have stopped, he would’ve had my back! Comforting at the time, but kind of scary now that I examine it. He is typically my voice of reason. Most of the time, he is looking to keep me out of trouble when I go into a fit!

        It probably was a PTSD kind of thing, now that you mention it. I was hit on the same street a week before my 11th birthday. I have saved a couple of kids from getting hit on the same street, thankfully without being struck again. And, I know I could do it again with my own son. But, I guess even the hint that it could happen to anyone I cared about was enough to drive me over the edge.

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