A Past Catalyst

The last 24 hours or so I’ve felt some ripples, bouncing between irritability, minor hopelessness, and back again. I woke up with that hum of energy that hold secrets, the primary secret being whispers of hypomania.

As much as I could do without it, it couldn’t have come at a better time. I have a painting I need to finish asap, as well as a woven piece I’m working on… so I can’t complain about a sudden surge of creative energy.

The internet and I became acquainted when I was fairly young so I’ve waded through the chunky sea of information and seen the inhabited parts grow for the entirety of my adult life, as well as through most of my adolescent past.

I really have a love/hate relationship with the ease of connectivity, as I love finding out what people from my past are up to but every so often someone pops up who I’ve spent plenty of time working on forgetting.

I’ve recently had one of those moments, and though I’ve decided any real interaction would be asking for trouble, I can’t help but consider that without this individual I might’ve gone for several more years undiagnosed.

I have always considered the part of my life with my first hospitalization to be an extremely negative experience, one where I stood on the brink of disaster and then got pushed right off the ledge. Even though I know he didn’t cause these feelings in me, he didn’t give me bipolar disorder, I’ve felt resentment toward him the last ten years because for a long time it felt that way.

Yesterday I turned that thought on its head a little bit, because there was a moment where I felt appreciative. Would I be doing as well as I am currently if the issue of my mental health wasn’t brought to my attention early on? I’ve had years now to create a foundation for myself, methods for self preservation, and though I don’t feel any closer to having the answer I do feel like I can do what it takes to survive.

I feel like I hear half-jokes all the time where people say, “well I wouldn’t have known I was gay if I hadn’t dated you!”

My revelation yesterday?

Well I wouldn’t have known I was bipolar if I hadn’t dated you!

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One response to “A Past Catalyst

  1. Ha! I made a joke similar to that last night. I said to my husband, “Perk number one of being in a mutually abusive relationship – you learn to fight. Fast.” I was making that remark as a testament to my ability to defend myself if ever need be. That might be the only silver lining. At least the only one I can think of right now anyway.

    It’s awesome that you can feel that way. It was at that point that you started wading through this. Imagine how much worse it could have gotten. You may owe him your life! It might be going a bit far to say that, but it’s certainly some food for thought!

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