10% November

Well, here we are again.

As you may have guessed, the response to my particular health situation varies highly based on the person who is responding to it.

I met the new store manager yesterday, and just now (within 24 hours) I am being told that my needs at work cannot be met (scheduling and shift length) because she doesn’t know if I am capable of doing all the tasks related to this job.

The parameters in which I was hired are now null and void. The new manager will not accept an employee working simply 10 hours a week (which I am currently, and struggling somewhat) and asked me if she scheduled me for 15 hours if I could also do some “light work” in the back of house on other days.

This is not a good morning.

Last night I went to the emergency room, but not for what you’d think (a little ironic considering my last post). I apparently had an episode of vertigo, and then continued my evening by hyperventilating. Instead of just blacking out like any normal person, I topped it off by having the mother of all panic attacks.

I’ve had panic attacks before, in fact I’ve had two in the last 4 hours.

But this, this was beyond the realm of any manageable panic attack. My whole body froze up, but not just for a minute or two. It was as if every muscle in my body was flexed and I was stuck in these ridiculous poses (like some kind of life size Gumby doll). Not only was it excruciatingly painful, I couldn’t seem to get any of my body to do what I wanted.

Have you ever had moments where your brain told your hand to cover your yawn and your hand just laughed instead? It took two firemen to get me into the ambulance, and I decided to go to the hospital because the symptoms from the  combination of the vertigo/hyperventilation/panic attack (which I didn’t know at the time what it was) led me to believe I was in some kind of mortal jeopardy.

Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. Just the most bizarre, frustrating onset of awkward symptoms I have ever had in my life.

Honestly I am a little proud of myself, because even when I thought I might be dying I kept a pretty good attitude. I appreciated the irony of every little moment and found myself cracking jokes between gritted teeth. For a moment I was worried I might be experiencing the most terrifying manic episode ever because there were little hints of delusions, a moment or two where I thought someone might kill me… but for the most part, my mind was fairly calm. It was very dream like.

I’m sure the statement I get in the mail from the hospital will be everything BUT dreamlike, but there’s nothing I can do about that now.

So, follow that up with my new boss this morning?

How frustrating. She allowed for zero negotiation, and that basically means I need to get out of there asap. I can’t allow myself to get to the point where I let her talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with, which is basically what happened on the phone today, but I am equally as terrified to try and find another job I can actually do and will take me.

Oh, and my therapist cancelled our appointment tonight because she’s sick.

Happy November!

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7 responses to “10% November

  1. That sounds like one of the worst days you could have. ER, bad work environment, and no psychiatrist, that’s just a crummy situation. It’s good though that you kept a little bit of sanity while going through your episode. For me at least, it makes me feel more insane when I can recognize my own insanity. But doesn’t that make me more sane? I don’t know. I hope things clear up and you find a better job. Accommodations are a right, not a privilege, and it’s unfair that yours cannot be met.

  2. Just wanted to say that I love your blog, & I’m sending you some good vibes after you’ve gone through all of that in the last couple of days. The panic attack sounds terrifying.. & the work situation doesn’t sound much better. It’s inspiring to see that you have the strength to see the humour through all of this – I know that I would just crumble! Thank you for sharing X

  3. What an unfortunate combination of events, I’m so sorry! It’s very true that “it never rains but it pours.”

    Hope things are improving, I’m still catching up on these posts.

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  6. Sounded like you had a great job, and a wonderfully helpful new boss. She said you could have your job in any color you wanted as long as it was black. Or, was that the Ford Model T. An archaic concept in any event.

    Sarah, I’ll go out of character for a moment. A lot of the “bad” stuff that happens to you is *not* your fault; it’s not mental illness. Someone told me once that “good luck” is simply when life is unfair in your favor, and “bad luck,” when life is unfair not in your favor. The point; life is always unfair, but you knew that.

    But what it seems you’re too kind to mention in your blog is that sometimes people are assholes, and that by choice. “NewBoss” is one of those. You didn’t fail at that job, she F’d you over for her own reasons. That’s more than bad luck, that’s evil.

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