Pancake Post

Within the last two weeks my mood has shifted rapidly from showing signs of fairly severe depression to those in the realm nearing mania. This last bout of depression lasted around a year with very few fluctuations so I initially embraced the change with some gusto.

I don’t feel like I have ever been able to objectively look at both depression and mania at the same time. Generally when I am in the throes of one I am nowhere near the other, the only exception being periods where I am experiencing both (however I don’t claim to be able to see anything objectively in those times). Over the last two weeks I have seen this illness in a way I never have before, almost like staying awake for 24 hours and observing both day and night with equal clarity.

With its extreme energy, creativity, and other “fun” qualities it seems like a lot of people with bipolar disorder often forget that mania can be detrimental, I know I do. It is easy for me to be excited that I can finally stay up later than 9pm, however it is frustrating to now not be able to fall asleep until 4am.

It is nice to feel confident for a change, but this overconfidence can often lead to brash and just plain stupid behavior.

Probably the most frustrating of all for me is the fact that I have written this post now 4 times. My mind has ideas and follows thoughts so quickly that it is difficult to stay on a single topic, as well as to write objectively. Even right now I am writing about something which has little to do with what I wanted to discuss in the first place.

Alright, I am going to try this one more time.

I’m not sure if it was mania or if it was the imprudence of my youth but I have crushed the (few) previous romantic relationships that I’ve had in some very uncouth ways. The top of my list in this category involves a complete inability to edit both my rational and irrational thoughts before relaying them to my partner. I had a knack for sparking mass hysteria with my words alone, and I’ve seen relationships writhe and wither in my presence.

When I met my current boyfriend, (we’ll call him C.) I was alarmed to find that I had fallen for someone that I also respected. I actually cared what came out of my mouth because I didn’t want to hurt him. Initially my rule of thumb was, “when in doubt, shut your mouth.” I had a whole regimen of things to do (or not do) in order to avoid being what I never wanted to be.

The “crazy girlfriend”.

You know who I’m talking about. The girl who reads her boyfriend’s emails when he isn’t home and makes big, wildly inappropriate scenes and basically has to change by the end of the movie or she ends up alone.

I can’t say that in the last 3-4 years we’ve been together that I haven’t burst into tears on occasion for no apparent reason, or (gently) thrown my cell phone across the room in a fit of rage. I’ll admit it, sure. However, for having bipolar disorder I would say that I have done a pretty great job of avoiding the title of “crazy girlfriend” and I largely attribute that to the fact that I have taken the time to think before I speak. That one little change has made all the difference.

Anyway, yesterday. C and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I am working on taking down a plate of pancakes. Suddenly, without warning, I turned to him and said something like, “I don’t think you really like me anymore.”

I’ll admit that when I said it, I felt it was true. But I often think and feel things that don’t make sense, which is why I try to think before I put them out into the world. I don’t know if it was mania that tripped me up this time, if it was the pancakes or watching tv or the lack of sleep from the previous night, all I know is that I said it with an overwhelming sense of gravity.

Then, a fraction of a second later, both of us burst into hysterical laughter! I was laughing so hard that I was crying. Somehow we both knew instantly that the notion of him not liking me anymore was ridiculous. In previous relationships, them would have been fightin’ words… but with all of the things we’ve been through together, I believe C really gets me. I am grateful every day to have a connection with someone who is so supportive, he is a rockstar.

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One response to “Pancake Post

  1. On the wisdom of the pancake.

    I think he likes you because you are crazy. I would think that four years together is truth and love. Is it not healing to know you can make a mistake and not be judged for it? For you the the answer to the quadrophenic question “Can you see the real me?” is yes. Count yourself, and him, lucky.

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