Tag Archives: coming out

Celebrities; Coming Out or Outed?

Posted on November 19, 2012 | Leave a comment

Lately, the influx of news on celebrities with bipolar disorder has been exploding. 

Doing a google news search of the word “bipolar” leads to sloughs of articles like this one claiming to have news on handfuls of everyone from hollywood celebrities to athletes, and even folks working in politics who have bipolar disorder.

Now, I have some real mixed feelings about all of this, because I’ve often considered these articles a place for little more than gossip. The word gossip, to me, suggests sharing information that might not be true, and information that isn’t consented by those who are being talked about.

Knowing that a successful celebrity is experiencing similar symptoms as us can really run home that mental illness can affect anyone, and in a sense I believe these articles are beginning to help people become more familiar with illnesses like bipolar disorder -which helps lessen the stigma for all of us.

But, I can’t help but wonder how detrimental it can be to those who are in the public eye and facing bipolar disorder. Can you imagine if one of these newspapers or websites printed an article about you having bipolar disorder before you were ready to talk about it with anyone outside of your family or friends? What if someone told your co-workers, the people at your gym, and essentially the entire nation about the state of your mental health without asking you about it first?

These folks are essentially being outed, and once everyone knows (or even believes) that you have something like bipolar disorder, there isn’t really any way to go backwards and let it remain a private matter.

Can you think of any other situations where people have been weeded out, and then thrust into the public eye? How about the McCarthy era? Or even homosexuality, as it became more prominent and accepted in our society? Personally, I just see this as extreme bullying.

I realize that I am someone who is out, I tell people both privately and publicly about my experiences with bipolar disorder, but my real point here is that I made the decision on my own. It is one thing to feel strong enough and ready to take on what people might throw back at you for being open about mental illness, and another matter completely to have someone pull the rug out from under you and do it without your consent or before you are ready.

As I said, I think being able to look up to celebrities or our own personal heros (mine being Carrie Fisher who has been out about having bipolar disorder for quite some time) is important, and a wonderful growing addition to help America understand that mental illness may not mean we are unsuccessful, or hard to work with, or… well, evil or anything. But, it is important that people are ready to deal with the waves of questions, and the uncertainty that may come with being open about mental illness, and being pushed into that arena too soon can be extremely detrimental to what might be an already unstable situation.

The next time you see an article or a news segment on someone like a previous teen star who has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I hope you will consider the notion that the information may not have been something they expected to share. In that sense, celebrities are just like everyone else.

Though it is my own personal dream that people can talk openly about mental illness in any situation, with anyone, and feel comfortable doing it, I think it is important to realize that some people aren’t comfortable yet. And if celebrities are the ones paving the way for this dream to be realized, I think it is important to understand that it may not have been entirely willingly.

I would say that what most would consider the “sacrifice” of losing my-life-where-I-was-hiding-having-bipolar-disorder in exchange for one where my mental health is an open topic for conversation doesn’t feel like a sacrifice anymore.

In fact, I’ve found that the water is much warmer, the fish are much friendlier, and the ocean current isn’t as strong as it was when I was trying to swim it alone.

In conclusion, I do not plan to pass on any celebrity gossip, only accounts on mental health that are being put forward by the person in question themselves. I want to encourage people to be open about what they think and feel and believe, but I believe that can happen without bullying anyone into doing it or talking behind anyone’s back. I believe being open can inspire others, and that inspiration wont need any pushing or gossip because it’ll do the work for us. 

I do hope the other bloggers here on wordpress will consider making a similar pledge.

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Mental Illness Awareness Month

Posted on May 15, 2012 | 6 Comments

Did anyone know that May is Mental Illness Awareness Month?

No? Me either. And I have a mental illness. So that’s just sad.

When I discovered this fact this morning I was even more baffled to read that this  was started in 1949.

So why doesn’t anyone seem to know about it?

Are non-profits in your area reaching out to the public? Have you seen anything on the local (or national) news about this? Have you seen anyone sporting a green (as that’s the designated color) ribbon?

I was recently completely thrown off when I tried contacting a local mental health organization, only to get a response a few weeks later that the organization was run by volunteers who couldn’t get along, and therefore couldn’t answer my questions.

From what I’ve seen, the goal of most mental health organizations is to help people get mental health care, which (don’t get me wrong) is a very admirable goal. There is a lot of concern that there isn’t enough mental health care to go around for everyone who needs it, but it seems like if there was more public outreach there would be more knowledge about what is going on and more opportunity for funding for these programs.

But, as I usually assure people, I’m no business man.

To put this into perspective a little bit, statistics suggest 1 in 8 American women (and a non-specific number of men) are diagnosed with breast cancer each year. Consider the sheer amount of fundraising you see (marathons, etc.) that go toward breast cancer research. The sea of pink ribbons and t-shirts you can find at any given time during breast cancer awareness month. People are proud to support someone who has/has had breast cancer.

Now, just to compare a little bit, 1 in 5 Americans (both men and women combined) are said to have a mental illness. Obviously I am a little biased here, but why doesn’t this have an army of green-shirted, marathon running athletes raising funds?

I know there are people that will be appalled by that comparison, but what is the difference between one major illness and another? I can’t think of an answer that isn’t entirely based on stigma except that breast cancer treatment can potentially eradicate breast cancer, whereas there is no treatment that eradicates mental illness.

The death toll around mental illness has been rising, but it hasn’t been called that in the media. Bullying (which has been linked to be potentially caused by depression) has been called the cause of the widespread number of teen suicides across the country. Bullying, a potential symptom of depression, causing the victims to develop depression, then suicide occurs. The media does not address the mental illness aspect of this situation, and if the media doesn’t address mental illness, how are people supposed to know about it? If they don’t know about it, how could they have a chance at understanding it?

All I’m saying is that I don’t think we are giving people a chance to understand. When even many of the non-profit organizations are as guarded as those that are living with mental illness, I can’t imagine seeing change any time soon.

That said, I am making it a personal goal to make (at least) 100 green ribbon pins to give away to people on the street over the rest of May.

I’d like to challenge you to think of just one way you can be involved in Mental Illness Awareness Month. It could be as simple as being open about your experiences related to mental illness to someone who hasn’t heard about them before, making a donation to a non-profit organization that is centered around mental health, or even just making a green ribbon pin and wearing it yourself.

What can you do to help instigate change?

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Exploration of New Territory

Posted on April 19, 2012 | 4 Comments

Today I am trying something new.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you probably know that in addition to bipolar disorder, I have a number of other diagnoses (these are usually referred to as co-morbid diagnoses since they exist in addition to one another). Generalized Anxiety Disorder is one of the flowers in my bouquet of mental illness, I was diagnosed with it a year ago.

Just the fact that even the name has the word generalized in it makes the whole thing seem a little vague (hey, I’m a little ignorant about this world, ok?) but I know for sure that anxiety is something I struggle with on almost (if not on) a daily basis, and it is something that has been a part of my life since childhood.

I’ve been to a sizable smattering of support groups that focus on bipolar disorder, and led some, but as much as I address bipolar disorder, I am not addressing the other components. Anxiety. PTSD. OCD.

It is like being in the ocean in a small boat in the middle of an oil spill.

My boat springs a leak, and I start sinking.

My initial reaction, though, is shit. Oil is getting all over everything! 

I’ve been trying to clean up this oil, cleaning and cleaning and making a tiny dent… but underneath that oil is water, and that water may seem less threatening but it is still collecting together and threatening to sink my boat.

The trouble has been that since I do not have a series of medications to help stabilize my bipolar disorder, I spend an exceptional amount of energy and attention wrestling with it myself to keep it from wreaking too much havoc. It is time consuming, it is exhausting, but the tools I’ve compiled are making a difference. I still feel like hell a lot of the time, but I can control myself enough to keep from having a huge meltdown 9 times out of 10.

Unfortunately, it is incredibly difficult to address anything else even remotely emotional or thought provoking because I am trying to listen to a story or look at a different part of myself while wrestling a bull. The bipolar bull. Sometimes it gives you wings, sometimes it just stomps on you with its sharp, pointy hooves.

I feel pretty confident in saying this is probably why many therapists wont work with a bipolar patient who isn’t medicated. I’ve stumbled upon the explanation by accident. I have to keep 75-85% of my brain subduing a bull, and the remaining 15% can’t absorb the information fast enough to really make a huge difference.

Of course, therapy is entirely helpful for bipolar-related stuff at this moment, and to have someone act as a non-biased level-headed advice person (always good) as described in the last post. But, if I take a minute to let go of the bull to try and focus on something else, there’s a stampede and I wind up getting trampled.

It is quite frustrating.

Anyway, the new thing that I am going to do today is go to an anxiety support group.

I love support groups of all kinds, and even with my 15% attention span I almost always find some portion helpful, and relatable, and thought-provoking.

I do, however, get anxiety (ha!) when going to a group where I know the majority of the people -well, I don’t know that they’re more sane but they generally have a lot fewer issues than I have going on. Does that make sense?

I feel like I have become accustomed to bipolar, and even schizophrenic folks in my support groups. I find solace in the idea that the people there have generally had as many, if not more struggles than I have had… and I can walk away knowing that if others can survive with more difficult problems than I have, I can do what I need to do.

I have been to a group or two in passing where I am clearly the black sheep in the room, and I don’t think it is bad, I just don’t really know how to handle myself in those situations.

My therapist wants me to practice “filtering” myself in different situations so what I say is appropriate, but I have trouble discerning where “filtering” ends sometimes and straight up lying begins… which is why I’ve avoided doing it up to this point, really. I’d rather just say nothing at all than something that isn’t true.

In any case, I think I ought to go into this as optimistically as possible. I am excited, to some degree, though a little nervous, and I’m sure if I take the time to think before I speak it should be fine.

Plus, maybe I can act as that banner for someone else.

Hell, if that odd, bipolar girl can deal with her anxiety, so can I!

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Sunday; Coming Out in the Workplace

Posted on March 26, 2012 | 10 Comments

The continuing saga of being employed while having bipolar disorder.

I have been working for two days per week for the last 4 months or so now as something of a glorified secretary slash hostess slash personal assistant aiding in  selling real estate. In that time I have been told constantly that the position is really below my abilities (particularly by my boss) but I have avoided glomming on to any additional responsibility because the low stress level I have at my current job has been key in keeping me at least half-sane.

I’ve been living as openly as possible in regard to having bipolar disorder since October now and I meant to talk with my boss about it right away, but things keep popping up. Little things that would divert my intentional conversation, like customers or having a particularly bad day. Somehow I’ve been working 4 months without talking about it, and it was filed in the back of my mind’s “do this eventually” folder. I knew it would come up eventually, but I had actively stopped trying to have that conversation.

In the meantime, I’ve talked with a lot of other people about this.

At what point do you make something, like having bipolar disorder, known to your employer?

Do you ever? Is it safe?

Do you wait until you have a problem or need accommodations? Or do you start by laying it out the first day?

Should you wait for your co-workers or boss to get to know you a little first?

The general consensus of bipolarites in my life have expressed that they are in firm belief that:

Loose lips sink ships.

But how much of that is just fear, really?

I admit I am young, and I have seen my fair share of discrimination in the workplace, but maybe it is because I am young that it has been like water rolling off my back.

You see, I really believe that if I am meant to be somewhere, hiding my needs makes me feel more weak than strong.

I have stopped feeling like there is only one job or one setting that is more than willing to take what I have to offer them, so if I don’t fit in a job because my peers don’t get along with me or they don’t like me, I’m not meant to be there. Just the same, if they are going to persecute me for having bipolar disorder, then I’m not meant to be there either.

When I look back on jobs that I lost, I genuinely feel that if I had asked for more help, or been more open with people about what was going on, things might have turned out better. If co-workers don’t know that discrimination is happening, they can’t always see it, which means they can’t say anything about it either.

Anyway, I refuse to work somewhere where I am treated like shit.

And if that means self employment, fine. I am willing to go that far.

Heck, I’m self employed now.

Anyway, my boss now is a really remarkable woman who I find to be a rockin’ female role model. I’ve haven’t met too many strong, female career types, so I think this made me think twice, in a way, before opening up about having bipolar disorder.

What finally pushed me over the edge was being offered a 3rd day per week to work.

I’m an ambitious person by nature (though I’m working hard on getting my ambitions and realistic abilities lined up with each other) so my immediate thought was that I could take on a third day no problem.

But, enter the anxiety. Enter the fear. Enter the looming word that my therapist said to me over the phone last Wednesday, that word nobody with mental illness ever wants to hear;

hospital

I don’t think things have been overwhelmingly bad lately, just severe enough to cause some concern with my medical team I guess. Mania, or rather being conscious of mania is new territory for me to some degree, and the current hypothesis is that I am not fully aware with just how bad things were getting in that realm the week before last. I am the first to admit that, sure, I could be a little blind to the severity of potential mania, but when I had that “h” bomb dropped on me (hospital, not hydrogen) I had to take a step back from everything.

Are things as ok as I thought? Is more stress really what I need right now -adding a third day of work to my week?

Actually, I said to my boss on Saturday, can I have 24 hours to think about it?

Like a Guy Ritchie movie, those 24 hours passed in a flurried montage of mere seconds, and I was standing in front of her desk again, yesterday.

I might as well just tell the whole story then, I thought. It is probably time.

I asked her to consider all of the things she thinks about me, my intelligence, my common sense, and my accomplishments (because this woman seriously thinks I am really cool… through no fault of my own), and then I told her I have bipolar disorder. That one thing doesn’t make any of those other things untrue, does it?

No.

In my experience, the manner in which the subject of bipolar disorder is broached with someone for the first time will have a significant effect on how the aftermath of the conversation pans out.

A guilty, shameful admittance of mental illness is likely to be met with the recipient feeling as ashamed of the idea of mental illness as you’re acting.

Likewise, confidence is usually met with confidence.

When most people hear something serious, they gauge the level of seriousness based on how the storyteller is acting. Mirroring those actions and emotions are an easy way to know how to respond to something these folks may not otherwise know how to respond to.

She knew I was dealing with a serious medical problem, as I’ve talked in limited amounts about things like doctor’s appointments and medications very generally, and the fact that I have been working only two days per week was a pretty good tip off too. She’s not stupid, that’s for sure.

Overall the conversation went well, despite the fact that I got a little turned around in the end.

My intention was to tell her these were the reasons I couldn’t work a third day a week, but instead I felt so confident and comfortable by the end of our talk I told her I would take on that third day. I did, however, tell her that I am being very conscious about stress, so if things get too overwhelming I wont hesitate to let her know.

I did, after all, meet the stipulations I initially set for myself in regard to taking on more responsibility in the workplace. I made it past February before taking anything more on, and I am hoping the sort of low-stress environment I work in will be conducive to keeping a level head.

I am meeting with my therapist again today, and hopefully I can help put some of that fire out from last week. She isn’t quite desensitized to a lot of my ranting and raving yet, I may just need to be a touch more gentle with her.

And work? We’ll see. I’ve set a ping pong ball in motion in a room full of mouse traps, so I’ll be curious to see how things play out this time around. My part in the menagerie, however, is pretty much over. What my boss decides to do with the information I’ve given her will ultimately decide my fate.

At this point, I feel I’ve really got nothing left to fear.

Whatever happens is out of my hands, so I will continue to show up, do my job, fix the printer when it breaks, and make people laugh.

Really, there isn’t much more they’re asking of me.

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100th Post; A Blog Origin Story

Posted on February 6, 2012 | 8 Comments

Before I started this blog I knew I wanted to write, but I didn’t know what to write about. In the past I’ve written about fashion, textile design, and costuming, I’ve written about celiac’s disease, and recipes I’ve tried, and I’ve written the usual free-form creative stuff, but I couldn’t find a topic that could hold my attention for very long.

That’s sort of the story with everything in my life though, my interest in things really waxes and wanes and it is hard for me to focus, both on just a single thing at a time and in general.

Someone I went to high school with has been writing a blog for a while now about her pregnancy, she has often linked it to her facebook account, inviting anyone to read it. The entries are cute and sometimes whimsical, she has a very rustic, yet feminine sense of style that I’ve always admired.

When I first thought about writing about bipolar disorder, there seemed to be an obvious rift between her blog and my (still imaginary) blog. After all, it wouldn’t be appropriate to post mine of facebook, right? Baby clothes are a socially acceptable topic of everyday conversation, but mental health is not.

But why the hell not?

This pregnancy will last nine months of her life. I will live with bipolar disorder for my entire life, so shouldn’t I get to talk about it? Just because people don’t understand it, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t, right?

So with a little manic fervor and some balls, the decision had been made. I would write a blog about something that is permanent in my life instead of something I could lose interest in, what seemed like a good solution to my problem with keeping focus. Not only that, I would make it readily available to people who actually know me, even the ones who didn’t know I have bipolar disorder.

When I was younger one of my biggest frustrations was that people didn’t seem to understand me. Hell, I didn’t even understand me! The problem wasn’t that they were rejecting the information I gave them, just that I didn’t give them the chance to understand. For years I expected people to read my mind or just know how I felt, though some magical, mystical power, but I never just told anyone.

Now that I am being open about having bipolar disorder and what that means to me, the change has been life-altering. That isn’t even an exaggeration, I’m getting all teary-eyed just writing this!

People who I’d grow apart from have told me they feel closer to me than ever. Some of my friends with bipolar disorder and the community here in Seattle has been nothing but supportive and encouraging of what I’ve had to say. I’ve even had “normal” folks tell me that they could relate to some of the things I’ve written about, which they didn’t expect to happen! On top of the support from friends and bipolar peers, I’ve also discovered the support of the blogging community which has been really reassuring.

The apex so far for me was a couple weeks ago, literally every person I had made plans with over the course of the week made a comment to me about this blog. I got phone calls and emails about it. And, to top the cake, my dad called me to have an in-depth conversation about bipolar disorder with me for the first time ever.

It isn’t that my dad has ever ignored me or the issues I’ve been dealing with, I just never really told him what was going on. I was, admittedly, totally scared, because for the longest time I didn’t know how to talk about it. I’m still working on the talking out loud portion, but I’m extremely grateful to have this platform to express much of what I have to say.

If you don’t tell people who you are, they can’t reject you. But, they also can’t fully embrace you either. I expected some resistance, some level of rejection by putting myself out there, but instead I’ve found myself embraced by so many more people than I ever expected. Trust me, your support has not gone unappreciated!

I know it can be terrifying to be open about having bipolar disorder (trust me, I was physically ill for an entire week after writing my first post and linking it to facebook), but for me it has been far more rewarding than I ever could have expected.

Thanks folks, you all totally rock!

I also want to make a brief shout-out to a couple of the bloggers and websites that have acknowledged what I’ve been doing.

Thanks to Disorderly Chickadee, who tagged me with the Liebster Blog Award. She’s got a rockin’ blog herself, full of intellectual and insightful information. Check it out!

Thanks to Lulu at As the Pendulum Swings and Kevin at Voices of Glass for both tagging me with the Versatile Blogger Award. Lulu’s presence here in the online blogosphere is a marked one and she is both insightful and amazingly supportive. Kevin’s blog continues to push the envelope for me a little bit, challenging me to think about and consider things I haven’t considered before.

Lulu at As the Pendulum Swings started a project for 2012 called, “Blog for Mental Health 2012” which I am lucky to take part in, involving taking a pledge and committing to blogging for mental health, showing pride, dedication, and acceptance to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma. Props!

I also want to give a quick thanks to Bring Change 2 Mind for being an exceptional non-prophet dedicated to helping eradicate stigma, but also for publishing a brief short story about my own mental health experiences on their website. Thank you!

Finally, I just want to say, thank you for giving me hope. I imagine a future where people don’t have to live in fear of others finding out about their diagnoses and don’t feel like they have to hide parts of themselves from the rest of the world out of fear of discrimination and harassment. I know it is unrealistic to expect everyone on earth to be as accepting as the people around me have been for the last few months, but the truth of the matter is that I am witnessing something. I am living something I didn’t think would be possible for a long time.

It is possible to live openly with mental illness. 

And if that doesn’t give me hope, nothing will.

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2011: KO

Posted on December 30, 2011 | 4 Comments

This has been a big year for me. Huge. It has certainly been rough. Another hospitalization under the belt, the loss of three more jobs, 15 more medications that I’ve crossed off the list to try, and I know I could go on forever lamenting about how 2011 wasn’t my year.

Instead I’ve decided to consider what I’ve accomplished.

At first, the only thing I could think of was that I am now able to make a mean pizza (dough and all) from scratch. That doesn’t sound like much, but you haven’t tasted it! That is something I’m pretty proud of.

In the realm of food, I’ve made huge improvements this year. I’m eating vegetables, broccoli, and a multitude of other things that I never imagined I could ever like. I’ve really wrestled the portion of OCD that was trying to control what I was eating to the ground, which is excellent.

I joined the Seattle Weaving Guild, wove my first rug, legitimately sold my first pieces of art, built a loom in my living room, applied for my first grant, and started this blog. Some good, solid advancement in my creative endeavors, certainly more than I did on that front the year before.

I helped (as much as I could) with wedding arrangements as a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding while being severely depressed. That one alone still shocks me a little bit because of the fear I had at the time that I couldn’t do it.

I found myself a therapist.

I found myself a psychiatrist.

I taught Luna (our dog) 3 new tricks, including shaking hands.

I “came out” to many friends and family members as being both a bisexual individual and having bipolar disorder.

When the time came, I chose to be hospitalized again instead of choosing violence or suicide. Anyone who has had to make that decision knows that in the moment, it is not an easy one to make.

I tried the path of modern medicine & pharmaceuticals again, despite my inclination not to, and my psychiatrist respected the decisions I made about them.

I applied for state disability (even though I felt ashamed) so I could still put food on our table.

I’ve put one foot in front of another to drag myself out of the obnoxious pit of depression, even if some yucky squid-type creature is down there and going to pull me back down again.

I am making an effort to be more open about having bipolar disorder.

I completed 6 months of documented mood charts that will help me identify patterns in mood changes and other possible triggers.

I got a new job, one that I have actually been enjoying!

Together, these things make me feel strong. Even though it was a difficult year, that just means all the more triumph when I’ve defeated it.

2011, consider this me punching you in the face*.

*Que that terrible "I Get Knocked Down" Chumba Wumba song.

The thing I saw this year that truly amazed and inspired me was my boyfriend’s reaction when I began to get seriously ill this spring, and when that triggered an episode of major depression and hospitalization.

He could have bailed on me, made me feel guilty about disrupting our lives (and especially about losing my job), or he could have let bipolar disorder (which has been there all along, he just hadn’t seen it in full bloom yet) shake the foundation of our relationship.

Somehow, he didn’t do any of those things.

He has been supportive and reassuring in a way that I didn’t know was possible. This year I’ve been channeling his strength and patience, and somehow that paid off.

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Evidence of My Life as a Sitcom

Posted on December 5, 2011 | 3 Comments

Tonight I’ll be going to my local support group for the first time in several weeks, my appointments with my therapist have been scheduled lately at the time the group normally meets so I’ve had to choose one or the other. I’m taking a week off from therapy this week so save on funds, so it’ll be group night!

The last time I went, I walked into the coffee shop and someone I went to high school with was working behind the counter. This is a little odd, considering my high school contained about 300 people when I went there and I’m living in the biggest cit in the state now, but c’est la vie!

I will admit (though shamefully so) that I told her I was there for a support group, my gut somehow wouldn’t let me say “bipolar”. I know I’ve been talking a lot about how I’d like to be open with people about having bipolar disorder, but this wasn’t the average situation.

It is a lot more difficult for me to talk about it with people who already know me somehow. People who have already formed some kind of opinion about me. I like to have time to get myself ready for those conversations before I have them, and I was so surprised to see her that I was at a loss for what to say.

A part of me was also thinking it wasn’t appropriate to say it was a bipolar support group because I didn’t want to “out” the people at the group. So it was a bit of a tricky situation.

Anyway, looking forward to tonight.

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Close Encounters of the Carrot Kind

Posted on October 17, 2011 | 5 Comments

Well, despite hardly sleeping due to nightmares about paintings of one of my evil exes and the spread of every physical symptom my anxiety could throw at me I did it.

What’s funny is that the current acting store manager turned out to be someone I’ve already met (sometime within the last two years) and thinking back I can’t tell you whether I liked her or didn’t at the time. It doesn’t matter though, because I feel like we’ve started this new relationship out well and I have made it a point to be as open and honest as possible.

She asked me particularly how I intend to cope if I start having difficulty functioning again (she used different words but they had the same meaning), to which I replied that I have a game plan -and gave a miniature outline of how the hours I have provided in my availability schedule will help keep my sleep regulated, which will greatly improve my chances of success.

As soon as we started plotting out my work schedule for the next two weeks she asked if I wanted to work inventory.

(Already my first carrot!)

Just a little background, I was initially diagnosed at 16 with obsessive compulsive disorder. I have an uncle with this illness and I displayed a lot of the usual traits as a child, but nothing particularly harmful. Mostly I just spent a lot of time categorizing and organizing things instead of playing.

As a teenager I began to have some trouble with obsessive thinking, which doesn’t surprise me now given the fact I’ve spent a lot of time with the racing thoughts of bipolar disorder. Well, those racing thoughts sometimes become obsessive which became dangerous to me for a time, mostly when my hormones were going all willy-nilly and I had the typical (albeit brief) moment of being “boy crazy”.

(I sure put the “crazy” in “boy crazy”! Hehe, sorry I couldn’t help myself!)

Anyway, that’s when the diagnosis came along and wham, bam, boom… it led to one mental health professional after another until the magical diagnosis of bipolar disorder came along.

I grew out of most of the OCD sorts of things I used to do, though I do have the occasional obsessive racing thought that usually takes the form of a portion of an arbitrary song (the last one was “Zuckerman’s Famous Pig” from the animated classic Charlotte’s Web -which I haven’t seen in at least ten years) playing over and over and over again in my head on high speed for days. Frustrating as heck, but not particularly harmful.

I do still feel an overwhelming sense of gratification when organizing or categorizing, something which has lent itself well to employment in the world of retail. You want size stickers on folded denim exactly 1″ from the edge? Then it shall be so!

When she brought up inventory my heart skipped a beat. I can think of little else more exciting to me than getting paid to run around an empty store and count things. The last time I worked at the store I worked closely with the store manager to help set up for inventory, I was the inventory right-hand-woman (for that very reason).

Unfortunately the inventory team starts around 8pm and doesn’t quit until at least 3am. That sort of time frame is exactly what I need to avoid because sleep is key. I have to have a regular sleep schedule or waves are created, waves that expand and throw my mood into flux. Sleep is a huge trigger.

It was a good thing I had already told her about the importance of sleep in regard to my health because I really, really already wanted to grab myself a carrot. A big juicy inventory carrot.

But after she brought it up, she realized on her own and said to me, “oh, actually that probably isn’t a good idea is it? That would really mess up your sleep schedule.”

Thank god for her presence of mind because the temptation was almost too great for me.

I guess I will have to forgo inventory, it really is better that I do anyway. For the first time in a year(?) I’ve had three days with a stable, normal mood. I haven’t been here in a long time, but every time it happens I feel a little bit of hope. The horror of the last 12 months is melting away and I can feel that my actions, my feelings, and my thoughts are 100% genuine. It is an exceptionally beautiful place.

I start work Wednesday.

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The Mechanics & The Carrot

Posted on October 16, 2011 | 4 Comments

I am incredibly lucky to have a few establishments around town that know me as a reliable, hard worker. It isn’t often that people have immediate job offers, let alone several at the same time. Thank you, thank you, thank you friends and co-workers who have been attempting to make my transition back to work an easy one.

Honestly I’ve been incredibly nervous about going back to work the last couple weeks (ultimately I made the decision two weeks ago but didn’t want to post anything about it until I had a solid green light from the potential employer of my choice) but I’d become sort of complacent about it the last few days. I knew the change would be imminent but it didn’t feel like anything was happening in particular, so I pushed it out of my mind and for a couple days it was easy to fall back into the rhythm of idle unemployment.

Suddenly the train is lurching forward and I’ll be damned if the thing doesn’t pick up some momentum.

My anxiety about working has settled itself into two distinct areas.

The first is the mechanics.

Will I be scheduled a number of hours that is realistic and will help meet my needs? Will I be asked to stay later some nights than what I am reasonably able to do? Can my manager and I set up a system of mechanics that will enable me to work (and continue to work) in this environment in a (fairly) comfortable way?

What it all comes down to is:

How much information is too much?

I have made it very clear to the staff up to this point that I have been having severe health problems and have not been working the last six months. How much information is necessary in order to ensure my success in the workplace?

In other words, at what point does one use the word “bipolar” when speaking to an employer?

I have had significant difficulty in the past with this and I know that I can’t just say nothing. I fully intend to speak with my superior(s) about my “health problems” but I don’t know which one(s) I’ll speak to and how much I will disclose.

This is where the stigma around mental health can really eff up your life. For example, if I were to have (for argument’s purposes we’ll say) breast cancer and I went and had a heart to heart and told my manager I can’t anticipate receiving anything other than sympathy and support.

There is a part of me that feels very strongly that if I took that situation and replaced [breast cancer] with [bipolar disorder] it would not be received in the same way whatsoever. What if that support was replaced instead with fear?

Now, for one please do not get on my case about comparing bipolar disorder and breast cancer, I realize many people would not put them anywhere near the same category but I wanted to show that by saying “health problems” I could mean a slough of different things, and different illnesses are perceived differently by different people based on their knowledge and experiences.

That said, I need to focus again on what this blog is all about for me. I want to be open and honest about this illness with others to try and help clear the stigma, not give in to it.

…Which means in some respect I’ve already made up my mind to have the full, open conversation in my potential workplace (which should happen tomorrow).

To help remind myself I should simply recall that:

1. Individuals within my generation have been extremely more receptive to the knowledge of this illness than some of the older people I have spoken with. I do anticipate having a boss who is somewhat similar in age to me.

2. Each person’s response is generated by their current knowledge and experiences, but also how open minded they are.

3. In the past, the heart-to-heart conversation in the workplace has done more good than harm.

I cannot give in to the fear now, not when I’m less than 24 hours away from this important step.

 

The only other issue is the carrot.

The carrot is the concept of something desirable being placed in front of you (like a carrot being held out in front of a horse), making you strive to attain it.

I hate the carrot. In the past it has been my downfall over and over again, and for the most part I feel like even in the instances I’ve worked hard enough to earn the carrot it turns out to be gross and old and not delicious at all. The power of those rewards lie entirely in my desire to attain them, not in the reward itself.

Most jobs, like school, are great at bringing up carrots. Call me weak willed, but I am usually someone who will work herself into the ground before giving up the carrot. That fact has cost me many jobs and hospital visits because my work ethic shifts between three different dimensions.

Hypo/manic dimension, average dimension, and depressed dimension.

My hypo/manic work ethic is over the top. Completely overachieving and with so much energy available to me I can work hard for days, even weeks at a time. I can do more, make improvements to efficiency, multitask, I mean this is the chick who continuously earns the gold star.

Average employee is just that, average. She does a good job but also has enough ease to goof off every once in a while. She neither stands out nor falls behind. This girl, if she needs to, can hold down the fort while hypo/manic work girl is away. -Not for very long, but it is within the realm of reason.

Depressed has basically zero work ethic, period. Motivation has gone out the window, and attempting to keep up with hypo/manic’s workload will lead to a full fledged mental breakdown. She can withstand keeping up with the average employee but only for a limited amount of time.

When those carrots come out, it is the hypo/manic girl who can’t resist. Of course Average girl has goals, but they are attainable ones. The carrots hypo/manic chases are big ones, the unattainable kind that she will do anything to try to attain.

Obviously after that level of commitment, it always rocks the workplace boat when I become depressed suddenly and can’t keep up with the work I had been doing, sometimes only days before. I’ve experienced going from being the employee everyone admires and high-fives to being the one who keeps getting written up and everyone is disappointed in.

When I think about how that must appear in the workplace I can understand that it would be weird, it would be inconvenient, it would cause rumors, ok. But has anyone thought about how I feel to be able to achieve and thrive one minute and then have that ability ripped away from me the next?

So NO CARROTS. That is a firm rule, and I’ve instructed several people in my life to make it a point to stop me if said carrots suddenly become irresistable. I am attempting an innovative (at least for me) new employment plan which involves working part time. I will not, even if hypo/manic, accept a full time position at any point before February at least when I will re-asses the situation. I want to take every step possible to ensure that if I have a job, I can work, even while depressed. I know that full time hours would make that impossible right now, so I must, at all costs, remain part time.

No insurance carrots, no vacation carrots, no money carrots. None.

 

And it is with this aim that I step forth into the working world…

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Posted in Bipolar, Depression, Mania

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National Coming Out Day

Posted on October 11, 2011 | 2 Comments

October 11th is National Coming Out Day, a civil awareness observance day for coming out and discussion about gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender individuals.

Having lived in Seattle the last 5+ years I am used to being around a thriving and very open LGBT community. It makes me excited to see not only people feeling comfortable enough to live openly in regards to their sexuality, but also that our good ol’ USA is finally beginning to make some strides when it comes to LGBT rights (albeit slowly).

I can’t speak for everyone, but I know a lot of folks from my generation have found themselves baffled as to why this community doesn’t have the same rights as others. Many of us who were born in the 80′s were brought up with openly homosexual parents, neighbors, friends, & relatives and it doesn’t surprise me at all that many of us grew up without the limitations of specific gender roles being forced upon us. Those of us in our 20′s have a plethora of different values and our sexual identities are not always so straightforward.

I feel as if my own sexuality is of very little consequence, my own heart doesn’t seem to make a distinction before it falls in love with either a man or a woman. Being in a committed relationship with my current amazing boyfriend makes me feel less inclined to “come out of the closet” to those who aren’t aware of my sexual preferences, why bring up something that isn’t immediately relevant?

Perhaps that makes me a coward, or one might argue that by putting that information on the back burner I am somehow denying my true self to others… I suppose it is a matter of opinion. I don’t have trouble talking to others about it when it is relevant, but I guess that is what coming out of the closet is all about.

A statement that says,

This is part of who I am, you can take it or leave it.

With the progress we’ve made with gay rights, I feel that is something I could do.

However, my heart has been heavy lately in regard to another secret that is shared by 57.7 million Americans living in silent fear of discrimination. Though we face a common struggle, our experiences have often left us severed from our jobs, school, church, romantic relationships, friends, and sometimes even family. We live in fear every day that we might lose the things we cherish if others found out what we’ve been hiding.

It has taken years and the struggle of many individuals to begin to clear the stigma around homosexuality. Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding mental illness is a very real and terrifying thing that effects the lives of millions of Americans each day.

Just imagine being diagnosed with an illness that you are not only expected to have for the rest of your life, but that society also frowned upon talking about it.

So when I think of National Coming Out Day, my mind moves beyond the LGBT community. What you may not know is that this last week also included National Bipolar Awareness Day. This day isn’t widely known, and the bipolar community doesn’t seem to have forums about it, nor a large supportive community, heck -they don’t even have a flag! What would it mean for myself and others with bipolar disorder to come out of the mental illness “closet”?

Again, telling people about this part of me isn’t something I have trouble with when it is relevant, and people within my general age group tend to be supportive and curious about this issue. But what about that looming, “this is part of who I am” coming out statement we talked about earlier? Sure, we’ve had celebrities such as:

  • Catherine Zeta-Jones
  • Britney Spears
  • Marilyn Monroe
  • Kurt Cobain
  • Emily Dickinson
  • Carrie Fisher (my personal favorite)

and many, many more come out of the “bipolar closet,” but the average American would argue that as a typical citizen (a non-celebrity) we would have a lot more to lose.

Personally, I have lost a job within the last year while hospitalized and receiving treatment for bipolar disorder -which, yes, is illegal and considered discrimination. I have been declined jobs for checking the “I have a disability” box on an application. I’ve lost relationships, and I’ve put a strain on my family.

BUT, on the other side of the coin, I told my boyfriend before we started dating that I have bipolar disorder and we’ve been together over three years now. I’ve also had at least one job that went above and beyond making the workplace somewhere I could thrive after I told them what I’d been dealing with. I have two really close friends that I can be open with about anything because we all have bipolar disorder, which is a great support. My family is supportive of me, and my dog Luna couldn’t care less what labels I’ve been stuck with.

Bipolar disorder is not who I am, but it is part of who I am.

I don’t think of it as being sick. Sometimes I can perform tasks above and beyond what others can do, other times I need a little extra help. Some of the traits that people with bipolar disorder often display to a degree higher than those in perfect mental health are spirituality, empathy, creativity, realism, and and resilience. It is also often argued that we feel a spectrum of emotion far larger than what most people can feel, which can be both a blessing and a little bit of a curse!

I was planning on making this post (and now blog) available to people who know me (but may not have known about this part of my life) beginning today. National Coming Out Day felt like a good day to do it, despite my feelings of fear and hesitation.

Regardless, thanks for allowing me to be open with you today.

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