Choosing Hurdles

I was over at My Year To Thrive yesterdaya blog written by despitemyself with some pretty rockin’ insights. It seems we have something of a similar background and it really caught my attention that she mentioned always wanting to have joined track in high school to run (specifically) the hurdles. 

Now, I was in track in middle and high school, and my event of choice? Hurdles.  

It struck me a little bit that the most obvious symbolism for living with hurdles in life would probably be (yep) hurdles. I mean, if you think about it… I could have any choice of events to run in a track meet, and I chose the one with the most physical barriers between myself and the finish line.

As someone who has lived with the waxing and waning of OCD traits over a number of years I am someone who feels inclined to do things a certain way. By that, I really just mean my way. And it should come as no surprise that my way probably has more hurdles than any other way.

Why?

despitemyself suggested this action is due to being raised in chaos. My therapist has told me something similar, that people who were raised around a lot of drama often create more for themselves constantly because that is what they’re used to.

And I have, to be completely honest, had moments of boredom (for lack of a better word) where there should have been contentment in my life. For a while I surrounded myself with the most intense people I could find -because there was never a dull moment, and I felt at home there.

Recently someone said, “I think she just likes it that way,” in regard to myself making everything into a problem that needs to be solved. A solved problem presents closure, it presents a challenge to stimulate the brain. I do need both closure and challenges, and to some degree I see that as a positive. I am stronger for it, I think, to have run the gauntlet over and over again and survived.

It is only now, as I look at the price of stress directly in the face that I am able to cut out as much drama as possible. Stress from drama has caused me to have innumerable meltdowns, and I’ve suddenly found myself fleeing from it rather than embracing it.

As someone who needs a problem to solve, can I get it out of my system in other ways? By doing puzzles? By building a bridge out of match sticks? By running a stretch of track littered with hurdles? Can I channel this need for drama into something harmless, or will that defeat the purpose?

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5 responses to “Choosing Hurdles

  1. bravingbipolar

    My husband and I were both sexually abused as children and our therapists have said the same thing, that we try to surround ourselves with chaos and get nervous when things are calm. especially my husband…who enlisted in the marine corps infantry, volunteered for action packed deployments, and has struggled adapting to life without guns being fired at him. From what I’ve read, it makes us feel more in control when we’re in chaos. My therapist has mentioned having a hobby to help get the “chaos fix”.

    • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

      I think I may be in danger of hobby overload, I am the sort of person who has more than a handful of hobbies going at once (just how I was raised really). Unfortunately, it is my attention span that really is the biggest issue with having hobbies, but you are right that they can help keep my mind occupied when it craves a little chaos.

      Thanks for sharing!

  2. Hi :)

    Just to let you know that I have nominated you for an Inpirationa Award 2012.
    You can find out about the award and your nomination here.

    http://voicesofglass.com/2012/06/29/2012-inspiration-award/.

    Really sorry but I am playing catch up so I also tagged you in a game and you can find out about that here : http://voicesofglass.com/2012/06/29/tag-quest/

    Hope you are well and that I am not overloading you.,
    KInd Regards and God Bless.
    Kevin,

  3. I am drawn to chaos as well. That middle of the road feeling is uncomfortable for me although not as much as it used to be. Drama makes me feel alive. It used to be that without it I would feel numb and definitely bored like you said.

    I believe (and have written posts about it – writeintothelight.org/2012/04/21/ptsd-scientifically-speaking) that children who are raised in neglectful and abusive environments have brains that developed in different ways than those who were raised in safe and validating environments. There is a lot of research to support this. Seeking dramais is not only a psychological urge and behavioral habit we have but also a biochemical pull that is hard to overcome.

    btw, I have about 20 hobby projects going on at the same time as well. Attentions span is an issue but so is the mania – I have so many ideas and want to do them all that I can’t wait and finish what I am working on before starting another. Oh well…there could be worse things :)

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