A Balancing Act

As I’m attempting to navigate the waters of this week (I am now on day six of Corey’s absence) I am doing a much better job of finding the right balance of time engaged with others and time alone.

I wrestled for about an hour last night with the fact I was planning on going to a weaving guild meeting first thing this morning, the idea of which was making me feel incredibly stressed and I felt my mood begin to sink (though ever so slowly). The decision I made was that going would only be more stressful, which would cause more harm than good at this point.

I still woke up feeling a bit more morose than yesterday, but “a bit morose” is worlds better than day six of the last few times Corey has been out of town.

That balancing act is so hard for me to achieve, all of the things I want to do vs. the things that will help or hinder my mood, or even what I can realistically achieve. The process is about as far from my default action setting as possible, which is namely,

If I want to do something, I do it.

And if I don’t want to do something, I usually just still do it.

I find it extremely confusing to consider that the things that I like, like going to the weaving guild meeting, sometimes produce a considerable amount of stress and anxiety. This stress and anxiety makes me feel bad, which is the completely opposite of what I’d expect when it is an activity I like. Shouldn’t liking it make doing it make me happy?

No, apparently not.

This is where I give therapy a thumbs up, because without it I never would have reached this (seemingly backwards) conclusion.

So here I am, 9 am and still in pajamas, ready to take on the long list of things I have to do today (though feeling guilty about missing the meeting), I might be able to tilt things back in the other direction just a smidge. I can feel excitement starting to trickle back in where the anxiety was, but that is something I’ll tell you a bit more about tomorrow.

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6 responses to “A Balancing Act

  1. Setting a schedule (with meeting times, etc.) has become next to impossible since I never know when I am going to have one of the reactions you describe. So frustrating! But I think you def. made the right decision. Wouldn’t be nice if the people on the other side of the meeting/appointment/scheduled event could understand that some days, for no “real reason”, we can’t make it???

    • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

      Really at this point since I have been open with most folks about having bipolar disorder, they have been much more understanding of my odd, wavering “can/can’t do things today” situation. I guess that is one of the perks of being “out”, but for some reason my own guilt is really the thing that winds up bothering me about it the most!

      • Guilt is one of the emotions I hate the most!

        I am trying to be more open with people, but when dealing with work situations I find that very tricky. Do you run into problems with freelance clients? I am curious how you might handle that. Usually I try to always give myself more time on the deadline than I know I’ll need, so I can take days off if need be, and if I’m having a bad time of it, I pass up work. But it is those face-to-face meetings that are tricky.

      • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

        I am pretty picky about the sorts of work I pick up based on how I think it will effect me, if I can handle the workload, and it if is worth what they intend to pay me. I tend to really grill the people I’m meeting (I treat it like I am interviewing them) because that is really the only way for me to know if I feel comfortable picking up the work. I’ve had more of my clients flake out on me in the past than I have flaked out which is why I am so picky now. In the end, if it isn’t a good fit I don’t bother trying to force it or I just stress myself out.

        That’s smart with the deadlines. I am someone who usually rushes to get everything done at once, then take a few days and come back to it to see if things are still where I want them to be. I am kind of glad I have way too much anxiety to procrastinate!

  2. I often use the phrase “balancing act” to describe much of my life. Even before I knew I’m bipolar! (and that deadline trick? doesn’t work for me at all. bummer, eh?)

    Sounds like you’re doing tons better than last time Corey was out of town, though. Tons! I hope that’s something you can celebrate in some fashion – it’s definitely an accomplishment worth recognizing. :)

    • Sarah @ bi[polar] curious

      Thank you, I am pretty proud of myself for doing so well this time around, definitely an unexpected pleasure!

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