As I’m attempting to navigate the waters of this week (I am now on day six of Corey’s absence) I am doing a much better job of finding the right balance of time engaged with others and time alone.
I wrestled for about an hour last night with the fact I was planning on going to a weaving guild meeting first thing this morning, the idea of which was making me feel incredibly stressed and I felt my mood begin to sink (though ever so slowly). The decision I made was that going would only be more stressful, which would cause more harm than good at this point.
I still woke up feeling a bit more morose than yesterday, but “a bit morose” is worlds better than day six of the last few times Corey has been out of town.
That balancing act is so hard for me to achieve, all of the things I want to do vs. the things that will help or hinder my mood, or even what I can realistically achieve. The process is about as far from my default action setting as possible, which is namely,
If I want to do something, I do it.
And if I don’t want to do something, I usually just still do it.
I find it extremely confusing to consider that the things that I like, like going to the weaving guild meeting, sometimes produce a considerable amount of stress and anxiety. This stress and anxiety makes me feel bad, which is the completely opposite of what I’d expect when it is an activity I like. Shouldn’t liking it make doing it make me happy?
No, apparently not.
This is where I give therapy a thumbs up, because without it I never would have reached this (seemingly backwards) conclusion.
So here I am, 9 am and still in pajamas, ready to take on the long list of things I have to do today (though feeling guilty about missing the meeting), I might be able to tilt things back in the other direction just a smidge. I can feel excitement starting to trickle back in where the anxiety was, but that is something I’ll tell you a bit more about tomorrow.